


The Boy Who Couldn't Hold His Breath Underwater

by auroraphilealis (xrosepetalsx)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Bipolar Disorder, Cheating, Christianity, Drugs, Eventual Smut, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Marijuana, Partying, Religious Discussion, Religious Fanaticism, Sexual Content, Sexual comments, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use, Underage Sex, religious homophobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-27
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-10-24 15:59:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10744983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xrosepetalsx/pseuds/auroraphilealis
Summary: Phan Skam AU. Internalized homophobia is probably one of the hardest obstacles to overcome, but it’s only made harder when the people around you don’t quite understand why you’re so afraid. When Dan Howell meets Phil Lester, he finally realizes he has to overcome that hurdle.





	1. Sunday Night

**Author's Note:**

  * For [imnotinclinedtomaturity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/imnotinclinedtomaturity/gifts).



> **Disclaimer** : In no way do I claim that this is real or cast aspersions on Dan or Phil, or any other youtube personalities.
> 
> This is based off of the Norwegian teen drama, so you will see many parallels and a similar plot line. However, I have made some changes to certain aspects of the story that I hope you guys will enjoy as well! Updates will be sporadic, just as the updates to the show are, as I have not completely written this fic out before posting. The excitement was too real <3
> 
> Please be aware that my interpretations of some of the characters early on in no way reflects my personal feelings towards the real life people whose names I have borrowed. This is a work of fiction, and said characters are nothing more than a character put in place to act in the way I need them to, regardless of my personal feelings towards them. The characters will largely be known entities in the youtube world, but some will be OC’s.

_Sunday Night_

It was the first party of the year, and already Dan was high as fuck in the bathroom of Julie’s parents house, sipping a beer he’d carried in because he’d had nothing else to do with his hands at the time and felt jittery enough to need some kind of social buffer. He can’t quite remember how he and his friends got here, but he’s approximately ninety-nine percent sure they took their bikes, only - where had they left them?

Julie’s house was pretty packed, not to mention the backyard. There wasn’t exactly room to leave a bike unattended unless you wanted it jacked, puked on, or destroyed, so surely he and his friends hadn’t been dumb enough to bike here after all.

Maybe they’d walked, then?

Yeah, that sounded about right. Dan could just about remember the feel of his feet smacking the ground, the streets and the wind as it rushed by after those first couple of beers back at his place.

So yeah, they’d walked here. Some guy Dan hadn’t recognized had let the four of them in, and at one point or another, they’d ended up hijacking the downstairs bathroom, a drink in each of their hands, and some jay in Leo’s pocket.

The door wasn’t exactly locked. Anyone could walk in at anytime, and in fact had on more than one occasion now, taking a piss in front of Dan and his friends as if it were not a big deal, and then wandering back out on slightly shaky feet. It was more than clear that they were drunk, but who was Dan to judge when he was drunk too?

And high. So, so fucking high that he hadn’t even minded when his gaze had wandered over the backs of some guy’s legs, his back turned to Dan as he took a piss, butt pushed back slightly against the droop of his pants…

“...fuckable, yeah?”

“Who?”

“Emily, of course. Her and - and that other chick she’s always with. Mariah, was it?”

“No, no no no no,” Dan muttered, tilting his head back so it rested against the bathtub wall behind him. He could feel the base of the music pumping against his skull, and it was giving his buzz a nice buzz. Dan smiled a bit drunkenly, and turned his head.

PJ and Wirrow were looking at him in interest, but Leo had his eyes closed as he puffed at the roll in his hands.

“You’re - you’re looking at it all wrong. Those chicks - nah, mate,” Dan finally disagreed, shaking his head for good measure and grimacing at just the thought of all those _curves_. The swell of their breasts was just _wrong_ , and their bums didn’t even make up for it. Surely, his friends had better taste than that.

It took a minute for Dan to register what was happening, but then Wirrow snorted and asked, “Yeah? Then who’d you fuck?” and PJ replied “Don’t you remember asshole, that punk ass Evan douche from three seconds ago, taking a piss!”

The trio started to laugh at that, Leo coughing around the drug in his lungs, the sound not unusual when the four of them were high, but this time was different. This time, Dan was the butt of the joke, and he didn’t like it, not one bit.

His mouth twisted into an angry frown, and his fingers balled into fists at his sides, a curl of disgust filling his gut like no other. It always bothered him when his friends joked about that, because it wasn’t fucking _true_. Of course he wasn’t interested in _guys_ , didn’t they know? At least he’d fucked a girl, unlike Wirrow, the stupid ass.

Opening his eyes, Dan pushed himself upright and glared at his friends.

“Fuck off. I’m not gay. At least I’ve got some pussy, bitch,” he complained, and made to get up. Before he could quite manage to get himself up and into a standing position, however, his legs wobbled, and he collapsed back into the tub to rest his head against the bathroom wall again.

“Assholes,” he muttered for good measure, because he hadn’t been able to make the dramatic escape he’d wanted too, and because his dick wad friends were still laughing at him and it was pissing him off.

“We’re just taken the mickey out of ya, mate, relax,” Leo said finally, his coughs from earlier having calmed down. He passed the blunt he was holding over like a peace offering, and Dan took it gladly.

Inhaling deeply, Dan sucked the smoke into his lungs and held it there a minute, relishing in the way it made his insides feel like they were on fire, and then let it out in a soft exhale upwards towards the ceiling.

Was it just him, or was this bathroom ridiculously smokey?

Who fucking cared.

“Yeah, sorry mate. I was just teasing,” PJ added as Dan handed the blunt over, knocking him in the shoulder for good measure. “Go on then, who would you fuck? Given the chance.”

Dan had to think about that one for a moment. Who would he fuck, if he could have anyone at all in this god forsaken school? He closed his eyes and let his mind drift for a moment, imagining the long legs of the dancer girls, and the breasts of -

No. Ew. God, no way. Those were the last things he wanted to think about. He could still picture the feel of Sara’s breasts under his finger tips back when he’d dated her, the press of her nipples against his lips… there was something about how _big_ she was that made him uncomfortable, used to - used to take away every last bit of libido he’d had in him, until he got her fingers wrapped around his dick and made her jerk him off, and even that wasn’t all that good.

He shook his head.

No breasts, then, and no long hair. God, that shit was forever getting in the way. He remembered one time, he’d asked Sara to tie her shit up, and she’d made him tug on it to make her feel good.

That hadn’t been so bad. He’d liked tugging on her hair, it was just - annoying, when it got in his face, tangled in his fingers when he tried to thread them up against the back of her neck…

No long hair. No breasts, either. Just a nice bum, yeah, pretty eyes maybe a neck he could grab…

Dan’s eyes snapped open, and he grinned.

“Cat!” he proclaimed, proud as ever.

“Cat Valdes?” Wirrow replied, voice awed. “You mean the chick with the silver hair and the tiny waist?”

“That one, yeah,” Dan confirmed, smirking. He could already imagine it now. Her hair wasn’t all that long, not much longer than his, at least, and her breasts were often barely noticeable. Maybe, if they did fuck, she wouldn’t even ask him to put his mouth on them, but if he did, maybe the absence of a swell would help at least some.

Or something.

“Cat Valdes,” PJ snorted. “You really think you’ve got any semblance of a chance with her?” he asked.

Dan turned a glare onto him.

“Yeah? Why the fuck not?”

PJ merely shook his head at that, this ridiculous grin on his face that he only ever got when he was _really_ gone.

Only problem was, Dan was pretty gone too, so he couldn’t seem to hold his anger back.

“Fuck off, asshole. I totally stand a chance.”

“Dan, Dan, Dan mate, don’t you know? The last guy she hooked up was some twenty-something in uni! He was like, tall dark and handsome. I think he was a model or some shit too, you’re way too much of a nerd to be her type,” PJ disagreed, which only seemed to piss Dan off further.

He shoved himself up into a sitting position again, and was just about to reply when the bathroom door opened rather suddenly, a very drunk, very pissed off Cat Valdes stumbling into the room.

“Speak of the devil,” Leo whispered.

Wirrow wolf whistled from behind him.

“Here’s your chance, mate,” he said.

Dan shot him a glare.

“I gotta take a piss,” Cat complained, not waiting a beat before she stumbled past the four boys in the bathtub and dropped her panties like she had no shame.

Dan’s eyes lifted in interest, even though he couldn’t see anything thanks to her dress. Her panties were red, though, shocking against the paleness of her dainty little ankles, and _fuck_ had Dan been right about those breasts.

She was - well, not beautiful, but she was perfect. Sort of. No girl ever seemed to be quite _right_ , but Dan wasn’t going to complain if it meant getting himself off and proving his douchebag friends wrong about him and his chances.

Grinning to himself, Dan sent her a confident look.

“Go right ahead,” he said. “Ain’t no one here gonna stop you.”

When her gaze met his, Dan made a pretty obvious show of scanning his eyes down from hers and over her breasts, marking a scorching trail down slightly exposed thighs and rather long legs. Or was it just the dress? It was probably just the dress. Cat was generally pretty short in comparison to Dan.

He dragged his gaze back up her body, and smirked at her all over again.

“Like what you see?” she challenged, her cheeks red. There was something about her eyes that _screamed_ intoxication, but then again, how else could a person piss in front of four people of the opposite sex and not look like they were having any issue with it?

“Maybe,” Dan agreed with a light shrug.

He licked his lips for good measure, and finally managed to stand on wobbly legs at just the same time as Cat seemed to finish and tugged her panties back up her legs.

The bottom of her dress just managed to flutter around the top of her thighs, and Dan’s breath caught, but for all the wrong reasons. He could feel a surge of _something_ rushing through him that he was never going to understand, but it was almost close to disgust, and it made his chest feel tight with the way it knocked into him.

He shoved it to the back of his mind the way he always did, imagining instead the way her pussy would open up around him and suck his dick in, so warm and _wet_.

He licked his lips again, reached back for the blunt he could hear Leo taking a hit off of and waiting for the warm end to touch his fingers before he grabbed it.

It was kind of a miracle his friends were so damn quiet behind him for once, especially drunk and high off their asses the way all of them currently were. Normally they couldn't keep their fat mouths shut, whether they knew what was good for them or not.

In front of him, Cat was getting herself all straightened up, tugging at her dress until it seemed to fall right, before returning hazy eyes to Dan. She was looking at him with this tiny little smirk at the corner of her lips, eyes glinting that way girls did when they were interested, and it was making Dan feel more confident than he probably should.

Slowly, he lifted the blunt to his lips, watched the way Cat followed the movement, turning coy and staring up at Dan from under dark lashes. Like that, Dan could almost - what? Could almost what?

Cat’s lips were so fucking red, thick, the perfect size for sucking dick.

“What’s that you got there?” she asked.

“MJ,” Dan replied, pressing the end just to the front of his lips. “Up for a hit?” he asked her.

Nodding shyly, Cat leaned forward, lips slightly parted, leaving Dan open to take his chance.

Behind him, he could practically hear his friends holding their breath, and he smirked to himself as he sucked at the end of the blunt at his lips and drew in a long inhale of smoke deep into his lungs. As quickly as possible, he dropped the blunt from his lips, and popped his chin at Cat, beckoning her closer to take the drug from his lungs.

She didn’t waste a beat in leaning forward and pressing their mouths together, the feeling wet and overly smooth. She was wearing some kind of lip gloss, Dan could taste it on her mouth as she forced his mouth open with her tongue, the taste like candy and something Dan wished he wasn’t used to.

His lungs shuddered with the held breath, and he let it go as slowly as possible, the feeling burning through him as he exhaled the smoke into Cat’s lungs and watched her take it into her mouth like it was her last breath on Earth. She moaned against Dan’s lips, hands reaching for him, fingers sliding up the bottom of his shirt as she exhaled back, releasing the deadly smoke back into Dan’s mouth and encouraging him to open up further for her until they were properly making out and the taste of weed was completely gone, replaced with nothing more than the candied taste of her lipgloss and left over alcohol sharp on her tongue.

It was nice. It felt good, or as good as it ever did to make out with someone, and when Dan reached up to tangle his fingers in the back of her short hair, he felt someone tugging on his hand and realized a bit too late that they had an audience, and that he was holding their weed.

“Aight, we gettin’ out of here before it gets any more heated,” Leo announced, shoving a bag into Dan’s pants pockets as Cat giggled into his mouth. “And don’t forget you promised to take care of that!”

Nodding his head, Dan managed to drag his mouth away from Cat’s just long enough to mutter a quick, “Whatever, mate,” before Cat was taking his lips back in hers. Her teeth were sharp as she bit at his bottom lip, the feeling starling as it stung.

In fact, it was so startling and strange, sending a rather pleased tingle down his spine, that Dan drew away in surprise. Cat giggled again, fingers tangling in Dan’s hair as her mouth trailed down over his jaw, pressing a quick kiss to his neck as the fingers of her other hand dipped lower than his t-shirt and started to palm at his - dick.

Someone slapped Dan on the back.

“Good going mate,” Wirrow said, chuckling, “Someone’s getting fucked tonight!”

Dan didn’t get the chance to shout an annoyed fuck off before the bathroom door was opening and shutting behind him quick as a light, and then suddenly, he and Cat were completely alone.

The thought of that was - suffocating.

“Mm,” Cat hummed, drawing her lips away from the wet trail she’d been leaving down his collarbones. “Guess someone just might be right,” she agreed, and suddenly, she was popping the button on Dan’s jeans and jerking his pants down just enough to get those long, thin fingers wrapped tight around his dick, her mouth finding his once more.

And just like that, Dan suddenly felt very, very sober.

His blood ran cold, an uncomfortable shiver rushing up his spine. He felt bile rising in his throat, and the overwhelming sensation of _wrong_ burning through his veins just as he ripped his body away from Cat’s and instantly reached down to redo the button on his jeans once more.

“Hey,” he stopped her, laughing. “I think, maybe, we’re a bit too drunk for this,” he suggested, swallowing thickly and feeling a strange prickling behind his eyes. He blinked it away, shaking his head with another laugh, and reached for the back of her neck, drawing her in for one last hard kiss that felt so _wrong_ Dan was tempted to cut his own fucking dick off for failing to work properly.

When he popped away from Cat’s mouth, her lips were an even sharper red, her eyes hazy and confused.

“What?” she asked.

“Drunk,” Dan repeated, a bit slower this time. “Informed consent, and all that, right? Next time,” he promised, and then he was gone, shooting from the bathroom so fast, he nearly gave himself whiplash. For a moment, his vision did manage to go a little black, and he stumbled on the way out, but he managed to catch himself on the doorjamb and escape before Cat could catch up to him, shoving the door shut behind him to buy him a few seconds, and then taking off into the hall.

Shoving through the crowds in Julie’s house was… a chore, but mostly because Dan suddenly felt like he hadn’t just thrown back at least six cans of beer and sucked an ounce of marijuana into his lungs. He was startlingly sober, and intensely horrified, unsure what was even the fucking _matter_ with him.

Weren’t breasts supposed to turn him on? Weren’t lips supposed to be supple, and pink, and taste so good? Wasn’t he supposed to like the feel of soft hands gripped tight around his dick?

So what the fuck was wrong with him?

Dan stumbled through the party half blind. The music was pumping loud through the stereo system Julie’s parents owned, loud enough he couldn’t hear the sound of anyone’s voices calling his name through the crowd. It was a relief, that, to be able to pretend there weren’t people around who recognized him, maybe wanted his attention, who could see the flush in his cheeks and the tears of intense frustration in his eyes.

It was a relief, right up until the moment he stumbled straight into another person’s body and collapsed into - their arms?

Dan was far too drunk and yet far too sober for this shit.

“Fuck,” he groaned, pulling back to reach up and press the palm of one hand against his eye, where he swore he’d somehow managed to hit this person. It ached a fuckton, like a hangover pressed into just one stupid spot, and it pissed him off to no end. “Fucker,” he groaned, and pulled back yet again, fully intending to tell his offender off, only to realize something sturdy was holding him in place.

And it felt far better than it had any right to, with someone’s hands gripping him and keeping him in place, steadier than ever before. He swore no one had ever held him like this, and it was startling how warm he felt, despite the fact that there were two rough palms gripping far too hard to his upper arms.

The alcohol. It must be the alcohol, surely.

Dan looked up, then, with a glare, ready to throw some punches if it came right down to it, when his eyes met a startlingly blue gaze, and he instantly froze in place.

He’d been expecting some kind of altercation, maybe some yelling or a punch tossed at his face, who the fuck knew with a room full of drunk and drugged up high school boys, and yet here he was, staring up into the most beautiful pair of bright blues eyes that Dan had _ever_ seen.

He kind of wanted to cry again, staring up into that gaze, far too aware of the fact that he was staring at a _guy_ like this, but there was this strange sheen of green just tinging the blue of his eyes, and a streak of yellow starting about halfway down the guys iris so startlingly brilliant that Dan, Dan reached for him, fingers just about to cup his cheek when -

When he threw up.

For the first time in Dan’s long existence of drinking copious amounts of alcohol and smoking pot, he actually threw up, pulling back just enough to cup a hand over his mouth and catch most of it, though he was forced to watch on in horror as the rest dripped through his fingers and spattered all over the strange guy’s shoes.

Then --

“Cops!” someone shouted, and suddenly, it was a fucking free for all. Dan had only just managed to shake himself free of the nightmare that was vomiting on an attractive person when said attractive person was gripping tight to his soiled hand, and tugging him free of Julie’s living room.

“Where are we going!?” he shouted, voice catching in his throat in surprise.

“Out!” the stranger shouted with no other explanation, so Dan had no choice but to follow.

The music was still blaring far too loudly throughout the house, drowning out the sound of sirens that might have alerted everyone to the police’s attention far sooner than now, but as it was, Dan couldn’t think of that. Instead, he had to consider the bag of weed hiding in his inside coat pocket, and the fact that he not only smelled of vomit, but had gotten it all over some strangers shoes _and_ hand.

“Stop! Police!” someone yelled from behind Dan, just as the crush of teenagers locked up inside of the house let loose on the back door way. The stranger Dan had been clinging to released him rather suddenly, torn away by the oncoming crowd, and sent Dan plummeting to the ground where he rolled and nearly vomited all over again.

His fingers clutched at his stomach, and then at his jacket pocket, and then suddenly, he was drawing free the bag of weed and tossing it in an uncoordinated mess just past the body of _someone else_ and under the -- oven? Where the fuck was he?

As Dan heaved himself from the floor, drawing his body up with the help of a kitchen counter, all he could hope was that the cops did not find the bag, and then he was gone, pushing out the back screen door and rushing down the nicely manicured lawn and into the woods below.

The sounds of drunken shouting, police sirens, and authoritative voices were loud in the night, but not nearly as loud as the ringing in Dan’s head, nor the memory of bright blue eyes staring into his very soul.


	2. Monday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of my lovely readers have never seen skam, and have already started asking some questions of me to help them understand what’s going on better, so [here is a link to a post](http://snowbunnylester.tumblr.com/post/160066966313/loved-your-skamphan-cross-over-could-you-please) where I explain who the characters I’ve changed Dan and Phil to, are, and a brief explanation of the subjects explored in the season I’m basing my fic off of.
> 
> This chapter includes a few concepts that are native to Norway, but that I couldn’t, in good conscience, leave out or change in my own au to fit Dan and Phil, or the readers, so I’m going to explain them here, including a few things that might not come up until a bit later in the au :) All of my information I gathered [from this page here.](http://skams.tumblr.com/post/159891742231/tiny-guide-to-oslo-and-norwegian-stuff-for-skam)
> 
> Revue - “a satirical show, consisting of short sketches and musical acts that are more or less related to a theme for the revue.” From my understanding, students form groups for acts, and the revue is prepared for all year, but doesn’t occur until the end of the year.
> 
> Kosegruppa - Very roughly translated to “making things cosy.” “The kos group is one of the revue groups, and their job is pretty much cooking for the others working on the revue and trying to make everybody in the revue be happy and have a good time.” Often, people only join this group - and many other revue groups - for the partying that occurs, as many of these groups host parties or “pre-games” which are just pre-parties where people get drunk before showing up at the official party.
> 
> Russ - Someone who is finishing up their final year of high school, and the “cool people” who party the most often because of this.
> 
> Russ Bus - A bus groups of students will start saving for as early as their first year of high school. It’s a bus they will most likely paint and decorate for them and their group, and is where a lot of the partying occurs when they are a Russ.
> 
> As Dan and Phil are British, however, I’ve also made some changes to put both boys in their a-levels, with a smaller age gap between them, and changed their school system to match this one a bit better (to the best of my knowledge, as I’m American, wow look at all these cultures clashes)

_Monday_

Dan woke up Monday morning with a hangover. It wasn’t really all that much of a surprise, all things considered, and he squinted his eyes against the light pouring through his window, the alarm on his phone setting his head to aching. He reached over to his bedside table, grabbed his phone, and slid his finger blindly across the screen to shut off the horrible screechy sound it was making, and then promptly collapsed back against his pillows with the full intent of going back to sleep.

That didn’t happen.

His pillow was cold, cool against his heated face, and a nice comfort to his aching brain, but not enough to lull him back into blissful unconsciousness, because almost as soon as he’d turned his phone alarm off, he got three texts in quick succession. His phone vibrated against the wood of his table, and he groaned as he rolled back over and quickly snatched the offending device back up.

All three texts were from Peej, and what the fuck, shouldn’t he have a hangover too?

Apparently not, and as Dan’s eyes scanned over the words, he was quick to realize why.

_Peej: Dan, mate, have you still got the mj?_

_Peej: The cops found some stuff at Julie’s last night, it better not be ours_

_Peej: Dude! Leo is freaking the fuck out, where the fuck are you?_

Dan’s heart lodged in his throat, and he sat up with bleary eyes to stare down at the phone in his hands. Fuck, he’d nearly forgotten about the cops last night, not to mention the drugs. He’d been so fucking out of it after everything that had happened, he’d come home and done nothing more than collapse into bed.

In fact, Dan was having kind of a rough time remembering what had happened even now. He could just about recall the moment Leo had shoved the drugs into the pocket of his hoodie just a few seconds before he and the others had left the room they were in, and - oh, yeah, he’d been making out with Cat.

Dan shuddered at the memory, and didn’t even know why.

Okay, that was a lie. Dan knew _exactly_ why, and the memory of the way he’d stared at the back of some guy’s legs, took in the way his bum filled out the sag of his pants, would forever haunt him.

It didn’t help that the real reason he was having trouble remembering what had happened last night had nothing to do with the alcohol or the drugs that had been in his system, nor was it the hangover he’d woken up with today. No, the real reason he was having so much trouble recalling the events of last night was because from the moment he’d seen those strange pair of bright blue eyes, Dan had been unable to think of anything else.

In fact, as Dan climbed out of bed in a rush to get ready for school, knowing already that he was going to be late and he’d be lucky to make it in time for lunch, he recalled that he’d gone to bed thinking of nothing else but those strange, beautiful pair of eyes.

Everything else seemed to pale in comparison to them, like all other memories of that night were in a muted soft grey, but those _eyes_ , they were the brightest thing in the room. Blue-green with this streak of yellow in both, so bright and visible and _there_ -

Dan’s phone went off again for the fourth time that morning, and then again, and then again, and then again, and he groaned as he realized who it must be this time.

His shirt was halfway over his head, so he shrugged it fully on, snatched up his phone from where he’d left it on the bed, and quickly turned the screen back on.

_Mama_

Mama…

Dan felt his jaw clench, and he opened up the messages to find a slew of the usual bible verses and passages that cut at him each and every time she sent them to him.

_God shall be my savior, and my only_ …

The words were the same as usual, some bullshit about how he needed to give up everything to them, promise not to sin etc etc… Dan was tired of hearing it, tired of being subject to this _pain_ , to this terror that he wasn’t allowed to be himself, and -

“Alright, mum,” Dan snorted, shaking his head to rid himself of the thoughts.

Fuck his mum. He didn’t need her or her judgemental words of _wisdom_ or whatever the fuck she’d think to call _this_.

Dan closed his eyes, felt a familiar burning just behind them, and shook his head again. He had to reach up and pinch at the bride of his nose to release some of the tension there, and flicked the power button on his phone before shoving the device into the front pocket of his jeans, not once looking at the screen again.

Maybe later, he could deal with it. Maybe later, he wouldn’t mind so much. But not now.

Ibuprofen. Dan was going to grab some ibuprofen, get his shoes on, and take off.

Snatching up his backpack, Dan shrugged it on and pushed out the door to his bedroom. For the first time in months, he didn’t bother with his hair, leaving it a curly mess on the top of his head that was half straightened from last night, but mostly ruined from his crawl into bed.

Normally, he wouldn’t be caught half dead like this, but Dan seriously couldn’t be bothered. Not only had he had a rude awakening from his friends and the likely loss of their weed last night, but his mum had come along to make things even worse. The hangover definitely wasn’t helping things at all.

Dan had only just made it into the kitchen to grab that ibuprofen when his roommate appeared behind him, silent as ever, and perched against the door jamb.

Dan tossed a disgruntled look over his shoulder, caught the sympathetic frown on Tyler face, and then looked away again.

“Rent’s late again,” he stated nonchalantly as Dan filled a glass with tap water to wash the medicine down.

Fuck. Rent. Had his father even transferred him the money yet? Dan hadn’t had the will to check.

He put the glass down after a long draw from it, and sent a glare up to the ceiling. Why was this his life?

“Right. Yeah. Sorry about that. I’ll have it for you tonight,” he promised, and prayed that he really would.

**

“You look like shit, mate,” was the first thing out of Peej’s mouth when Dan plopped down in the cafeteria next to his friends, having arrived just in time for lunch, but feeling far too nauseous to actually stand up and eat anything.

Dan sent a glare his friends way, but otherwise didn’t answer.

Wirrow looked at him with far more concern, but Leo… Leo was glaring.

Dan could hardly blame him.

“Where’s the stash, fuckwad?” he asked. His fists were clenched on top of the table they were sat at, his teeth gritted and eyes murderous. The reaction came as no surprise to Dan, who knew exactly what had most likely happened to this stash.

And he had literally no money to pay to replace it.

Dan was so fucked.

“Calm your tits,” Dan replied as nonchalantly as possible, letting his head rest against the table as he reached for Wirrow’s water and took a swig of it, uncaring as some of it dripped awkwardly onto the side of his face. His eyes closed as it washed down his parched throat, and he let out a sigh of relief. He’d needed that far more than he’d realized, the sensation helping the nausea and the headache still brewing behind his eyes.

He probably needed about ten more gallons of the stuff in his system, but who cared. This would do for now.

Wirrow didn’t say a word at Dan confiscating his water bottle and downing the entire thing, which Dan appreciated more than he could say. The guy was a true friend, unlike these other two assholes.

“I hid it at Julie’s, but it’s somewhere the cops can’t find. I doubt that’s what they picked up yesterday. I’ll get it back,” he reassured the group, doing his best to act calm and like he hadn’t just massively fucked up because of some - one. Someone with really pretty blue eyes.

Why hadn’t he just stayed in the bathroom and fucked Cat like he’d planned to? Then maybe they wouldn’t be in this mess.

Leo’s glare at Dan only hardened even more, and he looked like he was about to stand up and start throwing punches when -

“Looks like it wasn’t our weed after all,” Peej interrupted before things could get violent. Dan glanced his way, unsure how he could possibly know that, when his friend turned his phone to face the rest of the group. There was a group text from Julie, Rachel, and Bryony that Peej appeared to be a part of, with the final image being that of some little white pills in a baggie that the police had apparently returned to her.

“Acetaminophen, apparently,” Peej explained. “Looks like we’re not out twenty-five pounds after all.”

And suddenly, the world didn’t seem so terrible to Dan.

“Told you,” he commented calmly, leering up at Leo with a smirk far more confident than he actually felt. “There was no way the cops found the spot I left the pot.”

_Because who in their right mind would check under the fucking oven_ , he thought more privately to himself.

Leo scoffed at that, his fists slowly unclenching, but his expression remained much the same glare as before. He didn’t let up an inch as he pinned Dan with the expression, and stated, “Whatever. Just get it back before someone _else_ does.”

“Sure thing,” Dan promised, but secretly thought _fuck_.

What was he going to do? He wasn’t exactly on bad terms with Julie, but after last night, he had a feeling she wasn’t going to be wanting to let anyone back into her house with good reason, and the only way Dan was getting those drugs back was by somehow getting inside.

As the conversation at the table turned to other things, Leo finally letting up on his glare to Dan, Dan sat back up and pulled out his phone. He had a few things he needed to take care of now, and one of them included talking to his dad about rent.

When had it become the end of the month, anyway? Hadn’t he _just_ paid rent? Shit, it was only the third week of school and already Dan was a mess. How was he meant to survive his a-levels if he couldn’t stay sober enough to know how much time had already passed?

Was he already failing his classes, because _fuck_. The last thing he wanted was to be a dead beat like his dad.

_Dad: how’s it going? Have you seen your mum?_

_Me: i need rent_

“So how was Cat last night, anyway? Good as she looked, ey?” Wirrow asked, knocking Dan out of his daydream as he pulled up Julie’s number for good measure.

“What?” he asked, distracted.

_Me: hey jules i left my jacket at your place last night_

Wirrow nudged Dan in the shoulder with his elbow, and he glanced up to find his friend leering at him, Leo and Peej giving Dan additional expectant glances that made nerves roll through his stomach.

Wirrow, he could convince he’d fucked a girl, but Peej and Leo? Dan wasn’t so sure.

So he shrugged his shoulders, let his lips quirk up in a half smirk, and raised his eyebrows suggestively.

“Might not have gotten quite that far,” he joked, glancing down at his dick and then back up at his friends with a suggestive tongue in cheek motion that made the entire group laugh, including himself.

There wasn’t even an ounce of himself that felt bad for portraying Cat in such a light, not now when Dan had so much to lose. Besides, it wasn’t like he didn’t plan to - to try again, if Cat were as interested now as she had been last night.

“Hey, if you’re done with her, can I have a turn?” Wirrow asked.

“Oh sure, yeah, of course,” Dan replied, gaze flickering around the cafeteria, terrified Cat would just… pop up, in front of them, and ruin everything. “Assuming you can work up the nerve to talk to her,” he added, deadpan as the rest of the group laughed, and his own gaze landed on -

Blue eyes.

Dan’s mouth was suddenly very, very dry,

“Hey! I could totally talk to her!” Wirrow was complaining, but Dan wasn’t listening anymore.

His entire attention was focused instead on the blue eyed guy sat at the table just behind his friends, laughing and joking with a group of people Dan had never seen before. They were all clearly upperclassman, finishing up their a-levels and getting ready to apply for University study, but one of them - one of them was far too familiar to Dan’s eyes, and the idea of it was… uncomfortable, to say the least.

All of last night, all of this morning, Dan had been trying to convince himself that he’d been somehow wrong about the blue eyed guy who’d grabbed hold of his hand last night just after he’d thrown up on him. Not only was the fact that he’d gotten vomit all over the guy highly embarrassing, but then there was the fact that Dan - well, Dan couldn’t stop thinking about him.

The reason behind that… was no secret to Dan, and as his eyes took in black hair so dark it was nearly blue under the florescent cafeteria lights, and the way the guys jawline looked so _delectable_ , he licked his lips and prayed his own problems away.

This couldn’t be happening, not _again_.

Why couldn’t he just be _normal_ for fucks sake?

The guy was laughing, his smile beautiful as he tossed his head back, fringe falling into his eyes. Long, pale fingers reached up to push it back into place off to the side, much like Dan’s own but far more straight, and all he could think about was how it would feel to have those fingers against his again.

Bright blue eyes turned to look at him, and suddenly, their gazes caught.

Dan’s heart caught in his throat as he stared, mesmerized by the green he could just about see even from here, and then -

His phone vibrated in his hands.

Rather suddenly, Dan tore his gaze away from the strange boy sat across from him, and down towards his phone, the message on screen a blur to his unfocused eyes.

His heart was racing like crazy in his chest, and all he could think about was the strange feeling between his legs that he knew all too well. He wanted to cry, he wanted to _die_ , anything to make this all just go the fuck away and stop ruining his goddamn life.

First Peej, and now - now -

“Mate… you okay?” Peej asked, reaching across the table to touch Dan lightly on the shoulder.

Dan’s gaze snapped up again, hazy eyed and unfocused.

“Yeah,” he agreed. “I’m fine.”

The boy from before wasn’t looking at Dan anymore, but Dan could still see him just past Peej’s head.

Dan shook his head, and looked back down at his phone.

_Dad: i sent you four two days ago_

_Julie: what color is it? I’ll find it for you_

Dan sighed, and shut off his phone.

**

Biology; better known as Dan’s favorite class. He was kind of a science nerd, too cool to admit it to his friends, but definitely good enough to get by in class and take it as one of his a-levels. Peej, Wirrow, and Leo had been pretty surprised when Dan had picked it originally, but they hadn’t said a word about it since he’d blown up on them for teasing him.

Sometimes, Dan wondered why they were all still his friends when he couldn’t seem to keep his temper under control most days. He didn’t even fully know what was wrong with him, he just knew that sometimes, he wasn’t up for dealing with anyone’s teasing.

It didn’t help that most of their jokes tended to do with Dan’s sexuality, something he’d long since been done dealing with. His asshole friends hadn’t seemed to have gotten the memo, though, as they’d been teasing him for years.

Why was Dan still friends with them?

Oh right, because they were all actually pretty cool guys when it came right down to it. They rarely fought, and got along really well when Dan wasn’t being a sensitive asshole.

He sighed, and slipped his phone out of his pocket again. Class hadn’t started yet; he was a bit early to make up for how late he’d gotten to school, and he had nothing better to do. He wasn’t up for pulling his laptop out, didn’t want to waste the battery, and ended up scrolling down his instagram instead.

His finger hovered over the search button, mind flashing back to those gorgeous blue eyes, when someone plopped down in the chair beside him.

“Hello,” they said.

Startled, Dan looked over only to catch sight of Rachel, someone he rarely spoke to outside of the rare party interaction or when she happened to be hanging around Bryony at the same time as Dan. Their friendship continued to baffle Dan, who couldn’t understand how someone as openly bisexual as Bryony could stand being around someone as openly Christian as Rachel.

“Hey,” Dan replied slowly, quirking a curious brow at the strange girl sat beside him.

She had short brown hair that verged on red in some places, and was arguably one of the prettiest girls in school. She’d had a few boyfriends, but wasn’t known for hooking up, which meant people tended to walk around her with a certain level or respect.

She was quite popular, and therefore… it made absolutely no sense why she was sat next to Dan right now.

“I have it,” she said, turning away from Dan with a little smile to stare at the front of the room.

Dan frowned, confused.

“Have what?” he asked.

Rachel’s grin only widened even more. It was strange - Rachel was usually so straight laced. Dan had never seen her act like this before.

“Your drugs.”

Suddenly, it felt like a pit had opened up in Dan’s stomach, and his jaw dropped open in surprise. His _drugs_!? How had she even found them, and what was she doing with them in the first place?

Dan didn’t know whether to be ecstatic, or terrified. When Julie had replied to Dan’s text telling him she would find his jacket for him, he’d thought all hope was lost, but now, like some kind of miracle, Rachel was sat beside him telling him that _she_ was in possession of the twenty five pounds worth of weed.

His eyes narrowed.

“Okay. Can I have them?” he asked, knowing better than to believe it would be that easy.

When Rachel’s smirk only grew, Dan had to prevent himself from wincing.

“Maybe. _If_ ,” she said, “You come to the kosegruppa meeting after school.” She turned to look at Dan again, perfectly shaped eyebrows arched beatifically, and why couldn’t Dan be interested in her, for fucks sake. “And you bring your friends.”

It took a moment for Rachel’s demands to actually register, but when they did, Dan’s jaw dropped open, and he literally wanted to fling himself from the school building. Come to the _kosegruppa_ meeting!?

Like hell!

Dan wasn’t even interested in being part of the revue, let alone hosting pre games and parties for the rest of the revue groups to enjoy and celebrate their talent or whatever the fuck. He’d much rather be getting drunk at the kosegruppa’s pre games and parties than _hosting_.

“What the fuck?”

Rachel’s grin didn’t falter in the least bit.

“Come to the kosegruppa meeting tonight, or I toss your drugs,” she threatened, just as their teacher walked in and the bell went for class to begin.

Dan’s heart sank as he was forced to watch Rachel stand up and began to gather her things, nothing about her demeanour suggesting that Dan was going to be able to change her mind, or get out of this thing.

His father had, indeed, transferred him money, and while Dan could probably now afford a replacement for the weed, he wasn’t dumb enough to think he’d pull a fast one on Leo. That guy knew his sellers like the back of his hand, and he’d know if Dan didn’t buy the exact same weed from the exact same guy as he had, and there was maybe one chance in three that Dan was going to get that lucky.

“What if I can’t get the guys to come,” Dan whispered at Rachel, just before she could move away. Their teacher was coming down the aisle now, handing out some kind of project, but Dan needed answers.

Rachel stopped, turned, and offered Dan one last grin.

“Then I keep ten percent.”

What the fuck. What was a good, straight laced Christian girl like Rachel even going to _do_ with ten percent of Dan’s drugs? She didn’t smoke, hell, she didn’t even _drink_ , so surely the drugs were meaningless to her.

Before Dan could ask, however, their teacher appeared in front of them both and handed them their assignment.

“Rachel and Dan, you’ll be partners.”

Dan felt like he’d just been winded all over again. This could not be happening. He’d already been trapped into attending some weird ass meeting hosted by Rachel and her friends for the revue that wasn’t even until the end of the year, and now this?

At least Rachel seemed pretty put out as well, as Dan took one look at her face and found that she was just as distraught as him.

“But miss, this isn’t my seat,” she tried to argue, pointing over to where some red head was sat - with another guy from their class.

Rachel’s expression fell even further.

“Look’s like it is now,” their teacher said, and continued on around the classroom.

_Fuck_ , Dan thought, and groaned as Rachel settled back down in the seat next to him, a glare settled onto her normally perfectly bright face.


	3. Monday Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, two chapters in practically two days, I don’t know how I did it either.

_Monday Night_

Explaining to Leo, Peej, and Wirrow just what exactly had become of their drugs wasn’t the most pleasant of experiences Dan had ever had to face. In fact, it was quite the opposite, with Leo sending Dan such a fierce glare that he’d once again feared he was about to get punched in the face. It hadn’t helped that Dan had been able to see Leo’s hands curling into fists at his sides, and it had only been Peej’s voice of reason that had kept anything from escalating into an actual physical fight between the boys.

Every time Dan thought about just how much Leo seemed to hate him, Dan was forced to reconsider once again why they were even friends, and it always came back to one thing and one thing only; PJ.

While Dan, Wirrow, and PJ had been friends practically since they were in diapers, Leo had only really joined them in the final year before college, the cool new kid with the drug hook up’s and the older brother who could get them alcohol for pre games. PJ had been the first to start carting Leo around to all their hang outs, introducing him first to Wirrow, and then Dan because “he knew Dan was pretty prickly about sharing friends.”

If only PJ had known he was only prickly about _PJ_ , and even then only because Dan had the biggest cr- _thing_ for his best friend ever that Dan would very much so rather not think about, thank you very much.

Anyway, it had brought into question why Leo had even left the weed with Dan in the first place, stuffing it into his jacket pocket just before he was about to get laid like he had, to which Peej had jumped in to inform Dan they’d all been pretty out of it and it had been his idea in the first place.

The reassurance hadn’t meant much, especially considering the anger Dan had been able to see brewing behind Leo’s eyes throughout the whole conversation. The confrontation had ended with Leo shoving past Dan with his shoulder and shouting a quick, “You go to the kosegruppa yourself tonight and get the drugs back. The ten percent Rachel keeps can be your share,” before leaving entirely.

Wirrow had had nothing but a look of relief in his eyes at that, while Peej had just looked generally put out, shaking his head and dropping a very unhelpful hand onto Dan’s shoulder.

“Just stick one meeting out for us, mate, and then we’ll put this all behind us.”

Dan of course… had just let it go. What choice had he had?

When he’d asked Peej and Wirrow if _they_ at least could join them, PJ had shook his head, citing some kind of errand for his mum for his reason to not attend, while Wirrow had merely snorted and said, “Like hell if I’m going to some geek meeting like that!” and that had been that.

So here Dan was, stood outside the door to classroom 35A on the lower levels of the school, trying to work up the nerve to just push the fuck through and get this whole mess over with already. Rachel _had_ promised to return Dan’s drugs if he attended, after all. She hadn’t said anything about becoming a permanent member, and Dan had no plans too.

Before Dan could convince himself to open the damn door and head into the classroom for this bullshit five pm meeting, a group of girls chattering away did it for him, laughing as they pushed past him and opened the door.

Dan ducked his gaze. He didn’t exactly want to be seen here, looking like an absolute twat at the kosegruppa meeting, and the last thing he needed was to ruin his reputation with the ladies. Hooking up with them was hard enough for a guy like Dan; surely, he didn’t need the stigma of being part of the stupidest revue group ever hanging over his shoulders as well.

Unfortunately for Dan, his luck seemed to be wearing thin, as despite the hoodie he’d drawn up over his head, and the way he kept his face angled away from the group entering the kosegruppa room, someone recognized him.

“Dan?”

 _Fuck_ , Dan thought as he looked up reflexively, crossing gazes with none other than Cat Valdes from last night.

Her hair was even more silver under the florescent lighting of the school building, and it also appeared somehow even shorter than before, just curling under her ears. Her eyes were bright, brown, and sparkling as she looked at Dan with the biggest smile he had ever seen thrown his way.

Dan hadn’t been able to keep himself from feeling relieved that he hadn’t stumbled upon the other girl all day, and now that lucky streak seemed to have run out.

Dan did his best to offer her a grin in return.

“That’s me.”

Cat giggled, lifting a dainty hand, nails painted bright pink, to press against the pink of her lips. Hadn’t they been more red yesterday?

Lipstick, probably lipgloss… she’d tasted far too sweet for it to be lipstick. That shit was bitter as fuck.

“I was wondering where all the cool boys hung out. Kosegruppa. Should have known,” she teased, offering Dan a quick wink. She was holding open the door to the room Dan had been so anxious to enter earlier, and now all he wanted was to run the fuck away before he got roped into -

Into what? Flirting with this girl who’d almost let him fuck her last night?

Isn’t that what he was supposed to want? Hadn’t he convinced himself that Cat was the perfect girl for him? The only one he’d probably ever be able to - to -

A slow grin started to curl the corners of Dan’s lips, albeit forced, but just as flirty as he ever was.

“Guess you should have,” he agreed.

Dan’s sudden change in demeanour seemed to encourage Cat even more, as he started to shift away from the door she’d been holding open to move closer to Dan, and then --

“Cat! Hey! You coming, or what? The meeting’s about to start!”

Both Dan and Cat’s heads swung around to stare through the door, Dan finding the same group of girls from earlier ushering Cat towards them, all while they giggled and shared knowing looks. They seemed to know who Dan was, if their glances at him were anything to go by, and it made nerves rattle through Dan. Unlike before, he suddenly felt… terrified of all this all over again.

With Sara, it had been so easy. She’d had some close friends, sure, but in high school who your best friend was dating hadn’t seemed to mean as much as it did now.

Dan averted his gaze from the group of girls. Maybe he should just forget all about the weed and get out of here now, after all.

“You coming?” Cat asked, before he could make up his mind, still holding the door open for him. Dan offered her another easy going smile, and nodded his head.

“Yeah, let’s head in.”

What the fuck was he even doing.

Whatever it was, it seemed to make Cat happy, as she smiled even wider, somehow, and then pushed through the doorway, Dan hot on her heels. It appeared, as her friends continued to giggle at them from their little huddle near some of the seats at the front, that she was going to lead him over to sit with her, but just as Dan and Cat were passing the front of the room, an arm reached out and snatched his.

Dan stumbled a bit, seeming to catch Cat’s attention as her friends were sending Dan a worried look, and then Dan was turning his body to find that Rachel was the one who’d dragged him to a stop.

She was stood at the front of the room with Julie and Bryony, the other two staring at Dan with narrowed, suspicious gazes that made Dan wonder if they were in on Rachel insisting he come today. Expression carefully blank, Dan turned back to look at Cat, and offered her a one shouldered shrug and a half grimace.

Cat’s expression was confused, brows furrowed as she stared past Dan at Rachel.

“Sorry, Cat,” Rachel said, and, when Dan turned to look at her, she was grinning like she wasn’t sorry at all. “Dan’s here at my request, so I’m going to have to steal him away, now.”

Trying not to grimace at the way Rachel made it sound like Dan was interested in _her_ , he once again shared a look with Cat and gave her another half shrug.

“I’ll catch you later, okay?” he promised her, even though some part of him thought… no, no he would not.

“Okay. Sure. See ya later, Dan,” Cat agreed, and finally continued over to where her friends were standing looking bemused now, rather than giggly. Dan made an effort to stare at the way her ass moved as she walked, but there wasn’t much effort required to “tear”his gaze away, if he was honest.

Dan had seen better bum’s, and he was carefully avoiding thinking of PJ’s right now.

Once his attention was focused back on Rachel, Dan crossed his arms over his chest and did his best to put on a the tough guy routine. He’d been told on more than one occasion that he had way too much of a baby face to pull it off, but he could try, couldn’t he? There was just something about him that made waitresses refer to him as “sweetheart.”

“Okay, I’m here. Where’s my weed?” Dan hissed, leaning in close to whisper the words to Rachel, who still had that same smirk on her face she’d had when she’d spoken to Cat a few moments earlier.

The girl did not give into Dan’s pressuring in the least bit, merely winking at him as she continued to grin.

“You’ll get it back _after_ the meeting - that is, if you can stick the whole thing out,” she replied easily enough, and pointed back at Bryony and Julie behind her. “See, my friends over here are in charge this year, and they’ll be the ones doling out the membership roles. If you want your weed back, minus the ten percent considering your friends aren’t here, I suggest you cooperate.”

At the words and their implied meaning, that Dan was now stuck in this club for the _whole year_ , Dan’s jaw dropped open, and he found himself staring at Rachel in absolute stunned disbelief. There was no way, there was absolutely no _way_ Rachel actually expected Dan to join and _stay_ in some bullshit revue group.

Why did she even want him as part of the team if he wasn’t interested? He was just about to ask exactly that when Rachel seemed to beat him to it.

“Look, when it comes to the kosegruppa, the numbers are what matter. I literally do not care whether you want to be here or not - just sit down and look pretty, okay?” she offered, tilting her head angelically. “Play along nicely, and I promise I’ll reward you in the end.”

Dan didn’t know if getting Leo’s weed back in return was exactly enough reward for being stuck in this loser group or not, but again, before he could get a word in edgewise, Rachel was sighing and gripping his forearm tighter.

“I’ll supply you with your own six pack of beer for every pre game you’re forced to attend, alright? On top of everything else,” she promised, but the words didn’t make any sense to Dan.

He narrowed his eyes suspiciously at Rachel, and asked, “What the hell is everything else?”

But all he got in return was a sweet smile, and a soft, “You’ll thank me later.”

Just then, Julie and Bryony, who’d been quietly conversing behind Dan and Rachel the entire time, took that moment to move forward on either side of Rachel, grinning at Dan in an overly friendly, cheerful way. Julie was always cheerful, an old friend of Dan’s before he - before he’d messed things up, to some degree, but Bryony was usually a bit more abrasive, so Dan was surprised she wasn’t yelling at him to get the fuck out already.

Instead, she kept flicking her gaze at Rachel like she still wasn’t quite in on this whole scheme to get Dan in the kosegruppa, while trying to appear outwardly confident and assured of herself.

As an upperclassman, this was Bryony’s russ year, and she needed to make a good impression on the revue groups if she wanted her russ bus to be in the least bit popular in the final months of school, so Dan was in no way surprised by her attempts to make the perfect kosegruppa, needing to make a lasting impression before she was done with college, and off to uni instead where she’d have to start all over again.

Julie was the taller one, an underclassman like Dan and Rachel, with long brown hair and a cute smattering of freckles across the bridge of her nose. She was sarcastic and endlessly funny, but her eyes were bright and sweet, giving away the true kindness that dwelled within.

Bryony, on the other hand, was a little stockier, with blonde hair that was dyed such a light blue you almost couldn’t tell, with pale pink tips. She was the shortest of the group, but also had one of the prettiest, most disarming smiles, who knew exactly how to look far more innocent than she actually was.

“If everyone could take their seats, now?” Bryony requested, giving Dan a considering but kind look.

Most people in the room - and there were far more than Dan had been anticipating, really - had been conversing loudly when he’d walked in, but now their conversations were beginning to peter out as they all scrambled to find a seat.

As Dan was turning to find one of his own, however, his eyes caught on far too familiar pale features, dark hair, and bright blue eyes.

The boy - the boy from the party, the cafeteria, he was _here_ , and strangely enough, the only open seat in the entire room… was right next to him.

Dan’s mouth was dry. He didn’t know why, but everytime he so much as looked at this boy, he felt like all the air was stolen from his lungs, and his heart started beating faster in his chest. His hands weren’t sweating, they weren’t shaking, and yet Dan felt like they _should_.

It scared him. This boy terrified him, just about as much as PJ ever had, and that should have been enough to convince Dan to just get the hell out of here already. Fuck the weed, fuck Leo’s anger, and fuck the six pack of beer he’d been promised for every single one of these stupid pre games he was going to be meant to go to.

He needed to leave.

So why, of all things, were his feet taking him straight on over to this guy he didn’t even know, but he was finding himself inexplicably and unavoidably attracted too?

As Dan slid into the chair beside him, the boy glanced at Dan and sent him a smile so cute, that Dan actually felt his heart do a flip in his chest, tension leaking out of him so fast that for just a moment, Dan thought, _maybe being part of this group won’t be so bad after all_.

Dan was, beyond a doubt, completely and utterly fucked.

“Hey everyone! Welcome to the kosegruppa!” Bryony started saying from the front of the room, her voice high and chipper, a giggle interrupting the statement and her cheeks going a beautiful shade of red. Bryony was the queen of acting, really, and Dan sighed, rolling his eyes. He’d been kind of relieved in his final year of high school to not have to deal with all her acting up anymore, but now he was a college with her… well, she wasn’t _quite_ so bad anymore, but that had been before Dan had been forced to join a group with her.

“So in case you’re new here, this revue group is all about making the other revue groups feel happy and cosy. We want them to feel like they’re having a good time, and have less stress and worry when it comes down to rehearsing for the revue at the end of the year. That means we’re going to be hosting pre games and parties in the early months of the year, and later on focus a little bit more on taking turns cooking meals for the revue groups and things like that…” Bryony was explaining at the front of the room, as chipper as ever, and framing the revue group as far more beneficial than it actually was.

When it came right down to it, everyone used the kosegruppa as an excuse to party, drink alcohol, and get free food. They were simultaneously the most popular group in the revue… and the most overlooked. Most people who joined were desperate fools trying to work their way into the higher levels of the school’s social system so they could party on at least one good bus in their russ years.

Dan supposed he couldn’t really blame them. He just… wished he wasn’t here.

Though, after taking one glance to his left, Dan figured maybe he could deal with the resentment a little if it meant getting to stare at Mr. Hottie to his left. Dan found himself sneaking more glances at the pale guy he’d never met before then he did paying any attention to Bryony or the roles of the students in the room, and it was both surprising and not surprising to Dan at all.

What was the most surprising, was the fact that he wasn’t drunk right now. Usually, it took at least three cans of beer to make him loose enough to allow himself steady glances like this. Don’t get Dan wrong, he spent more time than he’d liked to admit admiring men’s bodies, and he was very, very aware of it, despite rarely wanting to deal with the consequences of that kind of attraction, but it generally took a little liquid confidence for him to not feel so ashamed of the admiration that he stopped looking immediately after recognizing the attraction.

With this guy, though… well, there wasn’t much for Dan to be distracted by. In fact, he was still a little hungover from last night, and he’d spent all night dreaming of those bright blue eyes. It was hard _not_ to sneak glances at the guy, especially not when he kept grinning up at the front of the room as if he were completely oblivious to Dan’s attentions.

Let’s face it; he probably was completely oblivious.

While Dan had grown up in a world far more accepting of homosexuality and the like, rarely did other boys recognize when they were being checked out by someone of the same sex. It was rare these days for homosexuality and the like to cause bullying from peers, and much more common for good natured teasing between mates to take place, but that didn’t make the student body any less oblivious to blooming romances and crushes.

Like Dan’s current one on the boy next to him.

Fuck, _fuck_ , this wasn’t supposed to happen, not to _him_ , of all people. Daniel Howell was not - not - gay.

Daniel Howell could not be gay.

Except he couldn’t stop staring at blue eyes next to him. The guy had this constant half smirk curling up the corners of his lips, skin remarkably pale and striking against the black of his hair. His eyebrows were a light shade of brown, though, which clued Dan in on the fact that his hair was dyed, but it made for a striking appearance, he had to admit.

He was also wearing a really cute, quirky shirt with marvel images scattered all around, captain america’s shield and thor’s hammer featuring on this right shoulder, that made Dan want to… know him.

This was a guy Dan could be friends with. A nerd still sporting the scene kid’s black fringe haircut, long enough to hide his ears on both sides.

“... form you into groups of two later on, for hosting and cooking purposes, but for now, let’s start with a little love exercise.”

These were the first words all night to garner Dan’s attention enough to snap his gaze back to the front of the room, wide eyed and horrified. What the _fuck_ was a love exercise, and why the hell were any of them being forced to be a part of it?

“Everyone up, come on now, don’t be shy! We’re all going to be spending a lot of time together over the next year or two, so we might as well get cosy now! Okay, come on, let’s get in a circle…” Bryony was saying, but Dan wasn’t listening. The minute the words “love exercise” and “get cosy with each other,” had left her mouth, Dan had decided he was getting the fuck out of here right here and now.

He might be forced to be a part of this group if he wanted… whatever the hell Rachel was offering him, but like hell was he going to participate in some hippy shit.

Standing, Dan didn’t waste a minute in sneaking past the milling students who were attempting to make a circle in the rather small room, and back over to the classroom door he’d entered from. Once there, he opened it quickly, and slipped out as quietly as he could, letting out a relieved sigh when no one seemed to stop him.

He could head back later, when the kosegruppa was finished with their stupid love exercise, but for now, Dan was going to head to the bathroom, and then go outside for a little bit of fresh air.

Honestly though, why was he still here? Leo knew already Dan had lost his weed stash to Rachel, it wasn’t as if Dan was going to have any chance of hiding that from him now, so couldn’t he just hand Leo over some notes and pay him back for the drugs rather than allow himself to be tied up with the kosegruppa?

He didn’t want to be here, that much was clear, and he still had no idea what in the hell Rachel had meant by “on top of everything else,” in regards to Dan’s rewards for joining the stupid revue group, so why bother staying at all? He wasn’t going to benefit here, didn’t care about russ groups and buses, didn’t give a shit about popularity in general. All he wanted to do was sail through a-levels and get into an acceptable enough uni that he could continue to stay away from his parents until he was old enough and secure enough to get a flat of his own.

So why join the kosegruppa? What was a few free beers, versus wasting his time with this group? What was a few extra notes, versus being stuck here, with a guy Dan should, by all means, avoid like his life depending up on it?

He was still pondering these questions, and why he hadn’t just up and left already, when he flushed the toilet and left the bathroom to go and wash his hands.

What he wasn’t expecting to find there was another guy - one _particular_ guy. Blue eyes, from the party, from the cafeteria, from the kosegruppa.

“Hey,” he greeted, nodding at Dan as he moved over to the same sinks Dan was headed towards, and turned on the water to wash his hands. Dan was so surprised to see him that it took him a few minutes to follow suite, continuing his path to the sinks and gathering soap in his palm before turning on the water as well.

Neither boy said anything else. Dan was too tongue tied to speak, though his eyes kept darting to the side to take in this rather ethereal being next to him.

This person - he represented every last reason why Dan should not stay, why he should bounce and dig up twenty-five notes to pay off Leo… but at the same time, he represented every last reason Dan should _stay_.

The water turned off from beside him. Dan realized, belatedly, he’d been washing his hands far longer than he should be, and he switched off the sink at the same time as blue eyes moved over to the paper towel dispenser and started pulling out paper after paper… after paper… after paper… after paper…

Wait. What the hell?

Dan stared, completely bemused, frozen and place with a lump in his throat that prevented him from speaking, as this guy continued to pull free paper towels until there was literally nothing left, and then used every last one of them in a giant wad to wipe his hands clean.

What. The. Fuck.

Dan must have been staring. Dan must have looked completely freaked out. Dan must have looked like the world had just come to a fucking end, and yet, when blue eyes turned to him and finally addressed the fact that he’d just used up every last hand towel only moments before, he hardly seemed to react.

“What?” he asked, still with that little half smile, sounding completely confused. He glanced at the paper towel wad in his hands, and then at Dan, and then at the dispenser, and _then_ seemed to realize what he’d done, mouth going round in surprise.

“Oh. Oh shit, I’m sorry. Did you -- ? Did you need one?” he asked, as if the idea how _only_ just occurred to him that anyone other than him would need a paper towel after they’d washed their hands.

Dan had no idea what to say.

Thankfully, he didn’t seem to need to say anything at all, because mere seconds later, the boy was reaching down into the _trash_ to pick up what appeared to be a maybe, possibly, clean paper towel that had possibly fallen in his quest to use up every last one in the paper towel dispenser.

After plucking it from the trash, blue eyes dropped his used wad, and handed the “clean” one to Dan, who took it numbly, still stuck staring at this impossible guy.

What. The hell just happened?

“Thanks…” Dan mumbled, wiping down his wet hands slowly. He was still staring. He wasn’t sure when the last time he’d blinked was, wasn’t sure if he’d ever blink again in general, as he continued to stare in stunned awe at the impossibly attractive boy in front of him.

The boy smiled at Dan and nodded.

“You’re welcome!” he shot back, chipper, like what he’d just done hadn’t been weird _at all_. Dan didn’t know what to do with that fact other than continue to stare, dry his hands, and then walk over to the trash can to throw his paper towel out as well. Meanwhile, blue eyes was already heading towards the exit of the bathroom, reaching into his back pocket for --

A box of smokes.

Blue eyes turned to Dan with that same half smirk, and lifted a brown brow.

“Want one?”

It didn’t matter how weird the kid was; there was no way in hell Dan was saying no to an offer like that.

“Sure,” he agreed, and that… was that.

Following blue eyes out of the bathroom was kind of a surreal experience for Dan. The last thing he’d been expecting when he’d woken up this morning was to be here, with blue eyes, at a revue group meeting about to bum a smoke. He didn’t know what was stranger though; the revue group, the fact that he was willingly following a guy he found _attractive_ , or the fact that said guy was the absolute weirdest person Dan had ever fucking met.

And yet, somehow, that did not lessen his attractiveness in the slightest.

What the fuck was wrong with Dan.

Once outside, both boys found a spot to sit on one of the many iron benches lining the front of the school. They were just about wide enough to fit two people comfortably, three if you wanted to be half sat on top of each other, and so despite Dan wishing he was close enough to touch the boy’s thigh, there was enough space between the two of them to be respectful.

They didn’t speak as blue eyes tapped out two cigarettes and then produced a lighter from his pocket, lighting first his cigarette, and then using his burning tip to light Dan’s. Pressing the filter to his lips, Dan inhaled deeply, and closed his eyes on a sigh as he let the smoke out slowly.

Instantly, he felt calmer than before. The anxiety of being around a boy he wasn’t supposed to like slowly began to drain from his limbs a bit, until he was able to at least relax. Of course, his mind was still thrumming a mile a minute, but at least his body wasn’t freaking out so much anymore.

“So,” blue eyes piped up. “What the fuck was that back there,” he teased, tossing Dan a smirk and making him laugh.

“Hell if I know. Love exercise,” he scoffed, lifting the filter to his lips again for another drag. “What did they even make you do in there?” he asked.

Blue eyes pretended to consider this for a moment, lifting his own cigarette to his lips and taking a draw of it, before puffing out the smoke on his exhale. He still didn’t answer for a moment, and then, “Bryony and her friends turned off all the lights and made us play tag in the dark. If you touched a dick, you had to suck it.”

The words came as such a strange surprise, that Dan burst into surprised laughter, nearly dropping his cigarette from the force of it all. Blue eyes had sounded so deadpan, despite obviously having been joking, that Dan couldn’t seem to help it. It was exactly the kind of joke that he would have made if he’d been in the same situation, and that was part of what made it so fucking funny,

Bent over at the waist for a moment, Dan had to work to catch his breathe, especially after having inhaled so much smoke a few moments before. He was spluttering a little through the choked laughter, something like a snort bursting past his nose, but that was okay, because blue eyes was laughing too.

And oh, fuck, if blue eyes looked pretty when he was laughing, that was nothing to the sound of his laughter. It was almost a giggle, verging on a deep chuckle, but adorable in the mix of unexpected sounds. Dan wanted nothing more than to hear that sound for the rest of his life, which was exactly why he needed to get the fuck out of here _right now_. These feelings had been dangerous enough when’d he had them for Peej, but a stranger?

By all rights, Dan should leave before things got any worse.

And yet it didn’t. When he managed to get his laughter under control and straightened up to look at Phil, it was with nothing but a grin and easy words on his lips.

“Oh, is that right? Get a lot of lips on your dick, then?” he shot back, only for the two of them to dissolve into giggles all over again.

It was… comfortable, and that was also dangerous.

This stranger should not have felt comfortable.

Finally, the two started to calm down, with blue eyes taking another drag of his cigarette as silence spread between them once again. This prompted Dan to take a drag of his as well, but he didn’t really need it anymore. The laughter had well and truly relaxed him, leaving him feeling socially lubricated, and the smoking was no more than for companionship now.

After another few puffs, Dan spoke up again, though. There was one thing that had been bothering him for a while now, and that was the fact that he’d thrown up on this poor stranger a the party yesterday. He couldn’t, in good conscious, not apologize for that when he had such a clear memory of it.

“Hey, so. About last night,” Dan led with, hesitating and glancing sideways at blue eyes. Maybe the guy didn’t remember?

“Hmm?” blue eyes replied, not bothering to meet Dan’s gaze. Instead, he stared up at the mid afternoon sky, dusk quickly approaching by now. The sun would be setting soon.

“Sorry about -- you know. The whole, vomit thing. I swear I don’t usually throw up on strangers at a party.”

The casual way that Dan said it, with just enough charm to make anyone love him, caused the stranger to laugh, and Dan’s shoulders to relax even further.

“It’s okay,” blue eyes replied, “Considering the cops and all, I think I can forgive you. Even if you _did_ get it all over my hand when I tried to get you out of there.”

The reminder of _that_ part made Dan’s cheeks burn pink, and he was quick to lift the cigarette to his lips again, sucking at the filter in order to keep his mouth occupied and prevent him from having to reply to _that_ sly little dig in any way, shape, or form.

He was just breathing the air out, trying to come up with some kind of witty reply in turn, when another voice interrupted the calm banter the two had been holding moments before.

“Hey! Dan! I’ve been looking all over for you!”

The voice belonged to no other than Cat, and at the sound, Dan’s shoulders instantly went tense again. Before he knew what was happening, he was straightening up, rigid as all hell, and scooting further away from the stranger beside him as if sitting with anyone meant something unsavory was going on, or something. As if, were Cat to see Dan around a crush, she might realize that he -- he --

“Yeah,” Dan replied with a nervous laugh, “Sorry. I’m right here. I was just -- having a quick smoke,” he covered up as easily as he could, hoping and praying that Cat wouldn’t realize just how nervous he was or why.

Mostly why. He didn’t anyone knowing he -- well, he wasn’t, and that was that.

Right?

Cat smiled at Dan, a hop in her step as she moved quickly over to where he and blue eyes were sat on the bench, stopping to twirl a finger in her hair once she was in front of the two of them. She was making eyes at Dan, and Dan knew exactly what they meant.

“So, Bryony was talking about pairs earlier in there, and I was just wondering if maybe we could--?” Cat trailed off, staring awkwardly between Dan and blue eyes awkwardly, as if she thought maybe… and fuck, Dan couldn’t have that, right? He was supposed to want to be partners with Cat, to kiss her and --

“Uh, er, I mean --”

“I thought we were gonna be partners,” blue eyes interrupted before Dan could get another word in edgewise, and why did that comment help Dan to relax so much? Why did it make him feel like all of the pressure had been lifted from his shoulders, and he didn’t have anything else to worry about?

Wasn’t he supposed to be quitting this fucking kosegruppa, pot or not?

But Cat was staring at Dan with a furrowed brow, and a slump to her shoulders, and Dan didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t just disappoint them both, couldn’t just out blue eyes as a liar, didn’t _want_ to, and before he could stop himself, he was blurting out - “Yeah, er, sorry Cat. It’s just, I kind of already agreed to partner up with --”

Fuck, _fuck_ , Dan didn’t even know the guys _name_. He let out a horrendous cough to cover up the mistake, and then, salvaging the situation so quickly Dan was surprised this guy wasn’t more popular with the ladies already, stood and offered Cat his hand.

“Phil,” he introduced. “Phil Lester. It’s very nice to meet you.”


	4. Tuesday Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would just like to state that there are comments in this chapter about how being gay is “so easy these days,”and I would just like to point out three things:
> 
> 1\. This is not my stance on the issue, and is merely one character trying to deal with their own internal homophobia, 2. This generalization will be cleared up at a later point in the story, and 3. Skam is set up in a country where being gay is widely more accepted than it is in America or even Britain (I think?) and therefore is treated in the show as far more normal and with far less bullying surrounding it than we might be used to, which is why Dan’s thoughts take the turn they do. I chose to keep this aspect of the story the same despite writing it in a british au, which may make it seem strange to some of my readers, so just try and keep this fact in mind :)

_Tuesday Night_

Phil Lester.

That was a name Dan wasn’t going to be able to forget anytime soon. Already, nearly twenty-four hours later, he was still curling the syllables around his tongue like he was trying to learn a new language or something. He just -- couldn’t seem to stop.

Phil Lester. Blue eyes, the boy Dan had thrown up on at a party, and then somehow agreed to be partners with for the kosegruppa, all to avoid having to spend more time around a girl Dan was _supposed_ to want to get into the pants of. Well. Sort of.

If Dan was willing to be honest with himself, agreeing to partner up with Phil Lester was about far more than wanting to avoid Cat Valdes, the girl Dan had willingly led on in order to prove something to himself and to his peers. It was about opening himself up to -- what?

Something he couldn’t quite admit to just yet.

Last night, when Cat had walked up to Dan outside and asked to be his partner for the rest of the year, it had felt like all the oxygen was being torn out of his lungs and he couldn’t breathe. There were no words to express the uncomfortable way his skin had prickled at the mere thought, and if it hadn’t been for the total stranger, Phil Lester, speaking up on his behalf, Dan would have agreed and somehow found himself _stuck_ with this girl when he didn’t even want to be part of the kosegruppa in the first place.

But then Phil Lester had spoken up, taken the fight right out of Dan’s hands, and he’d relaxed far more than he’d ever anticipated he would. Shouldn’t he have leapt at the chance to partner up with Cat? To prove himself? Shouldn’t he have panicked more at the idea of being stuck with temptation, with Phil Lester, for an entire year?

And yet he hadn’t, and that spoke volumes, even to Dan.

He’d never felt like this before, not even with Peej.

When he’d first recognized his attraction to his best friend, it had been disastrous. They’d been close for so long that Dan had thought surely, surely it was impossible for him to feel anything more than friendship towards the other boy, and yet, it had happened. At first, Dan had misrecognized it as jealousy, thought he’d put Peej on some kind of pedestal and saw him as the be all, end all of masculinity or something, but then slowly, Dan had started to realize something was wrong.

Where before, he’d catch himself staring at boy’s bum’s, or the slight bulge in the front of their pants, he found himself staring at Peej’s lips, and the way his eyes sparkled when he smiled at Dan. Suddenly, the vague interest he’d had in the male body was all focused on one thing, and that one thing had grown and grown until Dan was starting to realize even his body was reacting to the sight of PJ.

The moment Dan had realized he had an actual, full blown crush, he’d gone off the deep end. For three days, he’d stayed holed up in his bedroom drinking beer after beer, even getting into his father’s liquor cabinet at the time and downing the vodka and bourbon bottles he had in there, uncaring for the eventual consequences he knew were going to land him in _so much_ trouble. All he could think about was getting thoroughly blasted, because surely, getting drunk was far less of a sin than being attracted to a boy, right?

Maybe his mum would forgive him for his transgressions if she knew Dan were only drinking to prevent himself from kissing someone of the same sex, who knew, but that’s what Dan had convinced himself of.

It had taken both Peej and Wirrow practically breaking his window for them to pull him out of the slump, and while Dan had never told them what exactly was wrong, it nearly ruined his friendship with PJ.

For the longest time, things hadn’t been the same, and Dan, jealous as he was, still blamed himself for the fact that PJ and his long time girlfriend Julie had broken up last year. They’d all been such good friends, too, until now, and it was all Dan’s fault.

That was a huge part of why Dan didn’t want to be gay. His attraction to the same sex had already caused so many problems, and he’d already lost him one of his best friends, nearly lost him the other one too, because of it. Dan didn’t have very many friends to begin with, so the loss stung to this day.

Julie hadn’t quite been able to look at him the same since… since… well, let’s just say he’d been the one to lead Julie to believe Peej was actually cheating on her, to tell Peej about Julie making out with someone else when she was hurt by him, and while he’d scrubbed the blame away with the claim that he’d been jealous of _Peej_ , had a crush on Julie himself, she’d never quite been able to get over that little set back.

They still talked, from time to time, but not like before, and Dan missed it so.

Phil Lester, though… Phil Lester was a different story.

That horror he’d felt, that revulsion he’d experienced at himself when he’d realized his affection for PJ… that didn’t exist when he looked at Phil, and now that he wasn’t drunk _or_ hungover, he was finally able to recognize that something was different this time. It wasn’t lowered inhibitions or anything like that, it was just… Phil.

Dan had been so convinced he was going to march on up to Rachel at the end of the kosegruppa meeting last night, demand she hand over his drugs, and then quit the group all together, and then Phil Lester had asked him to be his partner for the year, and everything had changed.

There was no doubt in Dan’s mind that the one and only reason he was still part of the revue group, was Phil.

 _Fuck_ , he was so, so screwed.

There were so many reasons being Phil Lester’s partner was a horrible idea, and yet, Dan couldn’t seem to make himself want to quit. Every time he thought of Phil, he got this strange flurry of butterflies in his stomach that made him want to -- want to -- do things that he wasn’t quite ready to talk about just yet, let alone think about.

It was Tuesday night, and Dan Howell was locked up in his bedroom, phone in hand, bottom lip trapped between his teeth, and finger hovering over the “enter” button on his phone.

Thoughts of Phil Lester had led Dan to an activity he didn’t like to think about.

Set up on an incognito tab, Dan was locked up in conversation with a random guy on grindr, and he’d 100% just been sent a dick pick.

His own dick was getting steadily harder in his jeans at the sight of it, and he had the palm of one hand lightly massaging over the bulge already, a few heated words typed out on his keyboard that he was too embarrassed to send. The guy’s dick was pretty huge, bigger than Dan’s at least, with too much hair around the base, but the tip was read and he had his foreskin pulled back, so it was at least attractive to look at in that sense.

Dan wanted to get his lips around it more than he wanted anything else, but he’d never quite worked up the nerve to go beyond sexting anonymously on the website and getting himself off with his hand.

_Kylefucker is typing…_

_Kylefucker is typing…_

_Why don’t you get your pretty twink ass over her and suck me off for real baby? #### #### ########## ### ####_

The sight of the address that had just been sent to him was enough for Dan’s dick to completely deflate, his heart suddenly starting to race in his chest and sending his head to places he didn’t want it to be. The very thought of it was terrifying, and made him feel sick to his stomach, to the point where he snatched his hand away from himself and backed out of the incognito tab so fast, he was sure he’d given himself whiplash.

His cheeks were red, he was sure of it, but mostly he just wanted to heave out all of the contents in his stomach, because what the hell was he doing? His mother would _hate him_ if she knew what he got up to on a lonely Tuesday night, let alone the thoughts in his head, and he wanted to die even thinking about disappointing her. Tears pricked at his eyes, disappointment and anger battling away inside of him, until he turned over in bed and shoved his face in his pillow to hide the tears leaking out of his eyes.

Why couldn’t he just be normal? Why did he have to be a freak, or have a mother who thought his very existence was a sin? Why was it so easy, now, to be fucking gay, and yet not for Dan? Why couldn't he just -- want Cat Valdes, instead of Phil Lester? Then, maybe his life would be a hell of a lost easier.

A knock at his door pulled Dan out of his self loathing just enough to sit up in bed and scrub at his eyes roughly to hide any evidence of his previous crying jag. If he didn’t live with two really nice roommates, he might have told whoever was knocking to fuck off, but as it was, he was lucky enough to even have a place to _live_ right now. He couldn’t afford to be a dick to the people who kind of took care of him.

“Come in,” he shouted gruffly once he thought he had himself under control. Clearing his throat, Dan scrubbed at his face one last time for good measure, and then two familiar bodies were pushing into his room.

The first was Tyler Oakley, a uni student who Dan had met completely on accident after an incident with his parents that had ultimately led to them splitting up and all three of them moving apart. He was actually pretty short despite being older than Dan, but then again, Dan was a freak of nature pushing 6ft, and Tyler was barely 5’3. His hair was naturally blonde, but he dyed it so often that Dan wasn’t sure when the last time he’d seen it blonde actually _was_ , and it was currently an almost grey that reminded Dan of Cat’s hair.

He was also so gay it actually hurt, and a constant reminder to Dan that most people these days didn’t struggle with their sexual identity nearly as much as Dan himself did.

Sometimes, he truly hated his roommate.

The other was Mey Relando, a petite little thing who was ironically taller than their roommate Tyler, something they all teased him about considering he was the oldest of all three. Mey and Tyler had been friends since Mey’s first year in Uni, and she’d spent the majority of the summer complaining about the fact that Tyler was about to graduate, and she was not.

She had red hair, and a smattering of really cute freckles on her face that made Dan think of a pixie. Her fashion sense was impeccable, and put both Dan and Tyler to shame, even when she wore her hair in a messy up do after late nights working on assignments for her graphic design degree.

“Hey,” Tyler greeted Dan as he plopped down on his bed next to him, making himself comfortable pushed up against Dan’s side on the full. Mey followed suite on Dan’s other side with a soft little grin. “You’ve been a recluse all day, so we figured it’s time for some roommate bonding,” Tyler continued with a teasing little grin.

The words drew an eyeroll from Dan, and a soft sniffle he hoped was hidden enough neither person would question it, and they didn’t, but the soft looks they both sent his way told Dan it wasn’t because they hadn’t noticed. They’d definitely noticed, they just chosen not to comment. The thought warmed Dan in a way he hadn’t been expecting, and he relaxed back in the bed as the other two curled in close to him and started to talk.

“So there’s this guy I’ve been messaging.”

“When are you not messaging a guy?” Mey asked, propping her chin on Dan’s shoulder as Tyler scoffed and reached over Dan’s body to smack at her arm.

“Shut up,” he complained, and thrust his phone in front of both of their faces.

“What do you think of him?”

Dan’s skin was prickling again a little bit, but he’d become quite accustomed to Tyler’s antics, and it wasn’t unusual for him to ask both of them for their opinion on some guy he liked. What really took Dan be surprise, though, was realizing the image presented in front of him was from a grindr profile, and his stomach flipped.

Why was he so surprised? Grindr was the go to website for gay and bisexual guys looking to hook up, if not for more, and while Tyler was definitely a _for more_ kind of guy, it wasn’t all that surprising to see him lurking around on the same site Dan had been on minutes before.

Trying to shake the shock away and forget the fact that he’d been invited to some stranger's apartment to suck a dick for the first time, Dan turned his attention instead to the photo Tyler was trying to share with him. The guy on screen was a burly guy. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, and he was _really_ hairy, despite the hair on his head being rather short, just the way Tyler seemed to like his men. He was dark skinned, with equally dark eyes, and a pretty sexy smirk that Dan couldn’t seem to tear his eyes away from.

“Too hairy,” Mey complained.

“He’s -- objectively attractive,” Dan said, and picked up his own phone to hide the way his cheeks went a darker red.

Tyler groaned at both of their replies, and snatched his phone away.

“Whatever, you’re both losers.”

That made them all laugh, and they dissolved into something a little more comforting, a little more _warm_ and like home. The three of them were like the family Dan had never properly had, and he liked to affectionately think of the two as his makeshift parents that he… paid rent too, sometimes rather late.

It was honestly a miracle they hadn’t kicked him out yet.

Nibbling on his bottom lip, Dan said, “Hey, so. Sorry about the rent mix up this month. My dad -”

Before he could continue, Tyler cut him off with a wave of his hand in the air.

“It’s cool. You got it paid, right? Don’t worry about it. Now, look at this guy. He says on his profile he want’s nothing more than to suck a dick every so often, but he’s not gay. I give him three months,” Tyler said, showing Dan and Mey his phone again.

But it was the words that really got to Dan this time. What did that mean, he wanted to suck a dick every so often? Was that like… a thing. Dan’s brow furrowed as he too in the image on screen of a blonde bloke with far too many muscles and a grin that seemed almost predatory. Most of his pics were of him with some girl, kissing down her neck and showing off the pearly whites of his teeth, and it was kind of really strange, but --

“Why do you just automatically assume that everyone is gay?” Dan blurted out before he could stop himself. He felt both Tyler and Mey tense on either side of him, and bit his lip all over again. Why the fuck had he thought it was okay to say that?

Slowly, Tyler turned to look at him.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

He didn’t sound angry, just kind of curious, and Dan couldn’t help thinking he deserved far worse than that, but at the same time…

“I just mean -- like, what, a guy can’t be curious about sucking a dick from time to time? Or having his own dick sucked by -- by -- whoever? Maybe he really _isn’t_ gay,” he said, doing his best to explain himself, and far too aware of the… the… _hope_ in his voice. Dan swallowed thickly, avoiding Tyler’s gaze, and fiddled with his phone in his hands, scrolling down his instagram feed and --

Was that Phil?

Dan’s fingers pressed the heart on the image, and then he was shutting off his phone screen.

Beside him, Tyler was laughing.

“Is that what you think? Oh, Dan,” he replied, voice affectionate as he reached over and patted Dan on the thigh. “News flash, honey; if the thought of a _guy_ sucking you off, or you sucking a dick, turns you on, you’re at _least_ bi. I give the guy three months before he realizes just how screwed he actually is and dumps this girl. Besides, don’t you know? Making a secret grindr and looking for secret hook’s up is the first step for a lot of homophobic men in accepting who they are. More power to him, I hope he figures himself out soon.”

The words were… not exactly comforting, and the knowledge that Dan himself had a secret grindr he used to sext burned at the back of his mind, even as Mey and Tyler finally changed the topic and grabbed Dan’s laptop to put on _Friends_.


	5. Wednesday Afternoon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to my own lack of forethought on how I was going to meld the UK a level systems with the Norwegian high school system, I have messed around a bit with the Russ Bus and Revue system as I had studied it to write this AU. Don’t worry, it’s all pretty self explanatory while reading, but anyone who understands the intricacies because they are Norwegian or because they studied Skam as well, just know that the change was intentional, and you don’t need to correct me. I’m just playing around with the concepts because of all the intermingling traditions and cultures that I’ve melded in this fic.

_Wednesday Afternoon_

Tyler’s final words to Dan the previous night sat like an itch underneath his skin come wednesday afternoon. He could feel them like tiny little bugs crawling all over him, whispering into his ear when he least expected it, and reminding him of the burning hole his phone was making in his pocket, all while he sat pitiably in the middle of maths.

_Don’t you know? Making a secret grindr and looking for secret hook ups is the first step for a lot of homophobic men in accepting who they are._

Dan shivered at the very reminder of what he -- had done. Making that grindr account had been the worst mistake of his life. How could he have ever even allowed himself to entertain the sick, perverse fantasies he’d come up with in his mind? How could he allow himself to get himself off to pics of -- of -- _dicks_.

That wasn’t meant to happen, and regardless of anything Tyler said, Dan could not allow this to set him off on the road of acceptance. Accepting that he was attracted to other men was just not an option, no matter what anyone said. His mother would never allow it, and whether or not Dan even _spoke_ to his mother anymore, whether or not he could deal with the religious drivel she sent him on a near daily basis, whether he wanted her in his life ever again or not, the one thing he couldn’t do was break her heart by shacking up with some guy.

Even if that guy _was_ Phil Lester.

No. Dan needed to do away with the stupid account he’d made to get off with guys in the middle of the night, and then get a move on with quitting the kosegruppa. Not quitting that first night was the worst mistake that Dan had ever made, and he kind of wanted to kick himself for allowing temptation to slide right on in to his life. He was smarter than that.

Wasn’t he?

Regardless, it didn’t matter, and Dan had a plan. As soon as the lunch bell went --

 _Riiiiiiiiing_.

\-- he’d go find Bryony or Rachel, whoever came first, and quit that stupid revue group before he got any more embroiled than he already was.

Sitting up straighter in his chair now that he had a plan, Dan dusted himself off of all the invisible bugs that had been harassing him all class, and started packing his bag. He had some girls to find, and fast.

**

There was something about the reassurance that Dan was never going to be _gay_ if he quit the kosegruppa that calmed him, soothed his mind enough into submission that he didn’t want to scratch his own skin off anymore. There was no taunting echo of Tyler’s voice in his mind, and he was doing a fairly good job of shoving image after image after image of Phil Lester from his mind as well, until he was left with nothing more than the eager reminder of Cat and just how much she seemed to want to get into his pants.

He felt no personal stirrings of arousal at the thought, but he knew he could fix that if he just tried hard enough, had done in the past with his ex girlfriend Sara, after all. All he really needed gone were _distractions_ , and with the kosegruppa out of the way, and his grindr account deleted, surely that would be enough.

There would come a point in Dan’s life where the hormones would get to be too much, and it wouldn’t matter who he was fucking; he’d just want to get off. Surely, Cat wouldn’t mind, so long as she was getting what she wanted as well, right?

Right.

Dan was sure it would all be fine.

That was why, as he headed out to the courtyard where Julie, Rachel, and Bryony tended to hang, he had his phone pressed up close to his face, and an incognito window open logged into his grindr account. He just needed to find that pesky delete button, and then…

“Dan?”

The sound of his name being spoken so close to his face made Dan start, and his fingers flicked over the power button way too fast to be in anyway inconspicuous. Dan’s heart was racing at nearly being caught, and his eyes bugged wide when he moved to look up and caught sight of - Bryony herself.

The girl's eyes were narrowed, confused, and she was eyeing Dan’s cell phone like she wasn’t entirely sure what she’d just seen, which only served to make Dan’s heart race even faster. Had he been caught out? Would she tell anyone, confront him, spread a rumor? What?

Dan was just about to open his mouth and demand that Bryony come out with it, when said girl finally met his gaze again with a beaming smile.

“Just the guy I was hoping to see!” she declared. The comment and the look were so unexpected, that Dan didn’t even have a chance to respond. He couldn’t find the words, still reeling from the fact that he might have just been caught out, and Bryony used this pause to her advantage.

“See, we’re having a pre game next Friday, only, we kind of have nowhere to host it. My mum’s got a wine tasting party, Julie’s is off limits after the cops last week, and Rachel’s - well, Christian. We can’t exactly drink at her place! So, can you host it?” she asked, blinking innocently up at Dan in that way she had.

Had Dan not known any better, he might have even fallen for it, but as it was --

He sputtered.

Wasn’t this the exact opposite of everything he’d wanted? He couldn’t exactly be hosting a kosegruppa pre game if he wanted to _quit_ , after all, only he was struggling to get those words out of his mouth when he was still trying to pull himself back together from the potential fact that _Bryony had just seen what was on his phone_ , and it wasn’t exactly innocent.

“Wait, no, Bryony, see I -” Dan tried to interject, but, as always, he was interrupted by yet another voice speaking up behind him.

“Eyyy, Bryony,” Wirrow said, dropping one hand down onto Dan’s shoulders to get his attention, “Long time no see.”

Once again startled by the sudden approach of yet _more_ people to get involved in Dan’s seriously messed up life, Dan froze up and found that he couldn’t get any more words past his lips. He was too busy checking to make sure he really had turned off his phone’s screen than trying to quit the kosegruppa, and with any luck, his friends would distract Bryony just long enough that he could pull himself together again.

He just needed to stop freaking the fuck out. Of course Bryony hadn’t seen, and so what if she had? Dan could just play it off like she was crazy, had misread what website he was on, and there was no way to _prove_ it had been Grindr, after all.

Unless, of course, she dared Dan to show her, and then what was he going to do?

A new wave of fear jetting through him, Dan looked back up to find that his other friends had arrived now as well. Peej and Leo had stepped up on the opposite side of Dan to Wirrow, but Bryony, Dan realized, only had eyes for Wirrow.

Peej, Dan, Wirrow and Bryony had known each other since they were kids, with Leo obviously joining them up a bit later, but Wirrow had been crushing on Bryony for as long as Dan could remember. Never before had Bryony spared him a second look, however, as she was a year older than the rest of them, and usually chasing after older boys and girls. Now, though… now, Bryony seemed to only have eyes for Wirrow, and there was something about the way she stared, calculated, at him, that made Dan wonder what she was up too.

Before Dan could interrupt and explain why he couldn't host the pre game after all, Bryony was beaming at his friends and cutting him off.

“Wirrow! How lovely to see you again. I was disappointed you and your -- _friends_ , weren’t at the kosegruppa meeting on Monday. Don’t you know how important is it to get involved with the revue in your first year? You’ll be a Russ like me next year, and if you don’t participate in the revue in _some way_ , you’re never going to find a bus!”

Tutting at them all, Bryony tilted her head with a beautific smile, her long blue-blonde hair falling over her shoulder. It was a move Dan recognized as the one she pulled when she was trying to flirt, and the way she reached out to pat Wirrow on the shoulder afterwards told Dan all he needed to know.

He groaned as Wirrow seemed to straighten up, looking intrigued, and shoved his face in his hands. He could already imagine what was coming, and it meant bad news for Dan.

“But don’t worry, you can still join if you want! Dan here said he’d host the pre game next Friday. If we see you there, I’m sure the others would be game for letting you join,” Bryony promised the group, the words forcing Dan’s head from his hands and another choked noise from his lips.

“Now hold on a minute, Bryony. I never agreed to --”

“Hush, Daniel. No one else can do it, and it’s your duty as part of the group to host for us if your place is available. I know your housemates, I’m sure they’ll be fine with it, after all, so I’ll see you then, okay? You too, Wirrow,” Bryony added with a little wink, and then turned with another toss of her hair over her shoulder, and a little wave back at the stunned group. “Bye, boys!”

Then, she was gone, taking off in the lunch crowd with her phone in her hands, most likely updating the kosegruppa facebook page to inform everyone where the pre game next week was going to be.

The words Dan had been ready to toss right back at her sat frozen in his throat, stunned as he was _yet again_ at the reminder that Bryony was quite good friends with his roommate Tyler, not to mention Julie who’d become best friends with him sometime last year before Dan had moved in.

Why was the entire world conspiring against him today? It felt like everything was falling apart, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. It should have been easy to quit the kosegruppa, to delete the grindr account without being caught, to find some way to desire Cat when Dan wanted nothing more than cut his own dick off rather than have sex with her, and yet -- yet --

None of this was falling the right way. Dan wasn’t supposed to _be_ attracted to guys, wasn’t supposed to be agreeing to join some lame ass revue group for some guy with pretty blue eyes, let alone considering giving up everything that he was just to kiss him.

Wasn’t Dan’s mother more important than that?

Dan groaned as his phone went off in his pocket, and he pulled it out only to find a notification from facebook updating the pre game event location to Dan’s house, and _of course_ Bryony knew his address. Shoving his phone back into his pocket once again, Dan shoved his face back into his hands, and tried not to weep at the misfortune of the last few days.

“Holy shit, man!” Wirrow was shouting. “Did you see that? Bryony was totally flirting with me!”

“Yeah, about time too, for your desperate ass,” Peej teased back. Dan could hear the tell tale sign of someone getting smacked, but it wasn’t enough to draw him out of his own melancholy. Instead, he sighed heavily into his palms, and scrubbed at his eyes harshly.

“You know she was totally just playing you, right, Wirrow? She just needs to fill in spaces with the kosegruppa, have you seen how desperate she is to make it on the right bus? Her and the girls haven’t saved nearly enough money to get their own, after all,” Leo was explaining, which wasn’t far from the truth, really, only Wirrow seemed to not want to hear it.

“Come on!” he was complaining, all while the three guys shuffled around to move into a little huddled group around Dan, “I’m sure it’s more than that! She’s finally seen my charm,” Wirrow claimed, “Heard all the rumors about how good I am in the sack!”

The others snorted.

“Wirrow… no one thinks you're good in the sack. You’ve never _been_ in the sack!”

“Hey Dan!”

The sound of his name once again chirping up from a female voice behind him nearly made Dan want to disappear all over again. He was on the verge of collapse as it was, having a meltdown over his own failed attempts to maintain his heterosexuality, and here was Cat, ready to make it all the harder still for him.

Her presence should have come as a relief, some kind of distraction to remind Dan that he still had a chance to be normal, and yet, instead, he wanted nothing more than to make her disappear. Maybe, if he didn't remove his hands from his face, he could just pretend that she wasn’t there.

“What’s wrong with him?” Cat asked, suddenly sounding much closer, like she was right next to him.

“Nothing,” Peej replied, laughter in his voice. “He’s just mad he has to host a pre game next week, that’s all,” he teased, reaching over to jostle Dan’s shoulder. From the way he did it a second time, rougher still, Dan had a feeling it was an attempt to force Dan to drop his hands from his face, but he steadfastly refused.

The group was silent, and then, politely, “What’s up?”

Leo.

From beside him, Cat giggled. Dan could hear it practically next to his ear, could feel the heat of the girl just narrowly avoiding being pressing up next to him. The sound, her presence, made Dan’s skin prickle uncomfortably, but that was nothing compared to the way Cat’s fingers wrapping around his forearm made him feel. Gently, they pried Dan’s hands from his face until he was being forced to look into Cat’s brown eyes.

The way they sparkled the same way they always did when she looked at Dan made him want to throw up, and he hated himself a little bit for not absolutely loving it.

“Speaking of pre games,” Cat explained, batting her eyelashes at Dan. “I was just dropping by to invite you guys to one on Friday with some friends. We thought it could be fun, and we were wondering if…” she trailed off, her voice getting flirty as she turned her gaze onto the rest of Dan’s friends, “If you guys could bring some more of that stuff you had last time. You know -- maryjane?” she asked, giggling a little as she said it, as if she were more innocent than she actually was.

Dan knew better, just from the way she’d tried to go down on him at the party the other night, and he shivered at the memory of that alone. It should have been followed up with the memory of a girl’s warm lips wrapped around his dick, of the feel of her hot mouth putting hot friction all over his body, and the sensation of an orgasm ripping through him. It should have made his cock stiffen in his jeans, but instead, it made him want to puke his guts out all over again.

The other boys were laughing along with her, though, nodding their heads and shrugging their shoulders like it was no big deal, all while eyeing Dan up like they wanted to know if he was as cool with this as the rest of them. It was clear from the way they smirked that they were thinking about getting Dan laid again, and that was enough to shock him back into consciousness again.

Because of course he wanted to have sex with Cat… right? Or, at least, he was _supposed_ to want to have sex with her, and judging by his friends expressions, they were definitely expecting him to want too. It didn’t help that the last time they’d talked about Cat, Dan had definitely implied he’d had fun with her.

He didn’t have any choice. If Dan wanted to pretend that he was straight, if Dan wanted to _be_ straight, he needed to agree. So, before he could change his mind, Dan forced his expression into a semblance of a smirk, and nodded his head.

“Yeah, ‘course we’d love to. Your place?” he asked, doing his best to smile at the girl who was staring up at him with far too much admiration in her eyes. God, this would have been so much easier if she’d just -- just -- what? Lusted after him?

Maybe she did.

How could Dan know?

“Yeah,” Cat agreed easily, still grinning up at Dan. Slowly, the fingers that had still been wrapped around Dan’s forearm where she’d tugged his hand away from his face, moved to trail down his arm until her fingers were intertwining with his.

Dan thought he might be sick.

“I’ll facebook you the address later, okay?” she offered.

Dan was barely able to offer back a quick, “Right. Okay,” because his throat felt so tight.

Cat was holding his hand, and there was something about the way their palms pressed together that made Dan think this was definitely more than just _lust_.

Forcing his gaze away from Cat’s and back towards his friends, Dan did his best to engage in the conversation, wanting nothing more than to distance himself from his physical body as much as possible. Surely, it would be rude to rip his hand away from Cat’s and send her on her way after he’d agreed to go to her party, right?

Right?

In Dan’s attempts to look anywhere _but_ at Cat, he found his gaze searching over the open courtyard for something, a distraction, _anything_ to make him forget about the lack of feelings or attraction to the girl currently at his side.

What he wasn’t looking for was Phil Lester, and yet that was who he found at the same time as Cat leaned in close to his ear and whispered, “Friday, I promise not to get too drunk, and then you can do what you promised, okay?”

But Dan wasn’t listening. He was too busy staring at the way Phil walked confidently across the quad like he didn’t have a care in the world, half smirk quirking the side of his lips, and shirt baring nothing other than MCR. Could the guy get any more real? The only reason he wasn’t a complete outcast was the leather jacket he wore around his shoulders, tight and fitted to his body, unlike his jeans.

Girls and guys alike stared at him until he came to a stop at a bench with some other friends, all with cigarettes pressed to their lips, puffing out smoke while they listened to music through their headphones.

“Right,” Dan agreed, but mostly because now he was worried about the feelings stirring in his belly and groin more than anything else. “See you then.”


	6. Thursday Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the recent month long absence after I’d been so good about updating this! A lot came up in my real life that I had to take care of, and then I was working to complete the editing for Steal My Heart (steal my whole life too) which you should totally read ;) Now, with no other important deadlines staring me in the face, I hope that I can get back to work on my skam au, as I adore it very much! I hope you enjoy my return, and as stated before, while this takes after Season 3 of Skam, there will be some differences :)

_Thursday Night_

Six thirty-five p.m. Dan’s digital clock blinked at him, the numbers a horrifying shade of red in the near-darkness of his room. He could just about hear his housemates messing about in the kitchen through his door, but other than that, his room was completely silent. The lights were off, his curtains drawn, and the barest hint of light was escaping through the thin fabric at his window, letting Dan know that the sun was still out.

He’d been watching it set through the shadows in his room for over an hour now, eyes never once leaving his clock. He didn’t know why he was counting the time over, minute by minute escaping by him, but he was. It was oddly soothing when his mind wouldn’t stop buzzing with thoughts he wished he could just get rid of, a distraction -- the right distraction this time.

There was just so much going on, and nothing all at the same time. Dan could feel an annoying thrum of energy prickling under his skin that he didn’t know what to do with and it was driving him slowly insane, but he’d yet to act on it. He was terrified of what he might do if he _did_.

The hardest part was figuring out what he was more afraid of; texting Cat and breaking whatever the hell _this_ was off, or texting Bryony to let her know that he wasn’t going to be part of the kosegruppa anymore. Logically, Dan knew he should be more afraid of texting Cat, of ruining his one chance at normalcy with her, and yet, there was a larger part of him that felt more relief at that idea then it did at quitting the kosegruppa altogether.

With Phil… Dan finally had a chance at proper, real happiness, but with Cat -- what?

With Cat… Dan supposed he was safe.

Right?

His eyes flickered briefly away from the clock in thought, and then back again. He was sat on the edge of his bed, laptop discarded behind him, the screen gone to sleep. His fingers were curled into fists at his lap, legs still as he sighed. He wanted so badly to reach up and card one hand through his perfectly straightened hair, but he couldn’t be bothered just then.

He’d rather sit still, and --

Cat was safe. If Dan could just -- _not_ be gay, then he’d be safe from whatever hell his mum seemed to think he’d be bound for if he was, and then, maybe he’d be safe from _her_. Maybe, just maybe, if Dan could be normal for one fucking second in his whole goddamned life, his mother might not go off the deep end ever again, and then -- then --

What? He could go back to living with her?

Dan scoffed aloud at the mere thought, shaking his head at himself and losing track of the numbers on his digital clock.

That was a laugh, the idea that he’d ever be able to go back to living with either of his parents, let alone both of them at the same time. It would take a miracle of the highest proportions to pull his family back together again, and he just didn’t think that was at all possible. Not to mention, he shouldn’t want it. His mum wasn’t normal, to say the least. No, Dan was better off without her and her -- her -- _religious blasphemy._

He was fine on his own, he didn’t need his mum or his dad.

So then, why did it matter to him so much whether or not he had his mother’s blessing, her approval of him and how he lived his life? Dan’s eyes closed briefly, and he sucked in a deep breath, just trying to steady himself for a moment, because he didn’t know. He _didn’t_ know, and that’s what made it so difficult. He just wanted to be himself, but he _couldn’t_ \-- not with -- not with this one fucking thing.

Why couldn’t he just be straight?

Yet, deep down, Dan knew that wasn’t what he wanted. He didn’t want the revulsion and the way he felt when Cat touched him, when he looked at girls or stared at naked pics of them. He wanted the butterflies Phil gave him just by being in the same room with him, the way his body reacted to the sight of Phil’s tight leather jacket pressed to his forearms, and the undeniable itch underneath his bones to get to know the boy when he was sat right next to him that wonderful, wonderful Monday night…

Dan wanted to be able to look at a boy and be _okay_ , but he couldn’t.

He couldn’t, and he fucking hated it, hated his mum for instilling these beliefs in him, for making him hate himself and love her more than anything in the world to the point where he was willing to give up his own happiness for _her’s_.

 _Fuck_ his mum. Dan was better off without her.

So why, still, did he stay there, sat in front of his blinking digital clock, unmoving, and so, so fucking _scared_.

Six Fourty-One. Where had the time gone? Dan had forgotten to count. The minutes were ticking by without him now, and he didn’t know how he felt about that either.

Was he meant to be upset that the sight of a blue eyed, black haired boy in a marvel t-shirt and a black leather jacket, cigarette hanging from his lips, was more of a turn on to him than the sight of naked, exposed boobs big enough that Dan was certain he couldn’t wrap his hands around them if he tried? Was he meant to be upset that he didn’t want to kiss Cat, marvel at the way she seemed to want him so bad that she held his hand and invited him to pre games with sultry words rolling off her lips of a promise Dan had nearly forgotten he’d made?

Because he wasn’t, and he fucking hated it, hated himself, just for that.

Dan just wanted to be normal. Why, of all the people in the world, did _he_ have to turn out to be -- to be --

His family had enough problems as it was. Couldn’t Dan just --? Couldn’t he just --?

Dan wanted to cry. He could feel the build up of pressure beginning just behind his eyes, that stinging, burning sensation rolling through him until he had to blink to make it go away. He turned his head, tossed his hair, and finally, finally stopped counting the minutes as they passed him by.

But for what? The agony that was the constant reminder that Dan was a failure, a disgusting, perverse human being in the eyes of his mum, quite possibly his dad too? It didn’t feel worth it, and yet there he was, rubbing furiously at his eyes with balled up fists ready to strike out at a moment's notice.

Who would be first? Cat, Phil, or himself? Dan wasn’t sure, but he did know that he just wanted this torture to end.

Shifting on the bed, Dan moved so he could lay down properly, flopping backwards with a tired sigh the moment he was sure his laptop was out of the way. The shadows had completely taken over his room now -- the last rays of the sun were just peeking in through the bottom of Dan’s curtains, but he didn’t care. He could hear a few drunken students already, pre gaming before a party that would contain nothing more than upperclassmen bound to fail their a levels in the long run.

And there Dan lay, exhausted, eyes more than likely rimmed red with unshed tears, puffy from the way he’d rubbed at them only moments earlier.

He just wanted this all to go away, for his life to somehow, miraculously get better, _easier_ , so he wouldn’t have to deal with the mess he’d made of it all on his own.

Who to pick -- Cat, or Phil? Neither of whom Dan knew very well at all, both of whom Dan couldn’t be attracted to, in very different ways. If he could just, somehow, force someone else to make the decision for him, that would be perfect.

His phone dinged from beside him, the very first time all afternoon, and Dan blinked for a moment.

It was a Thursday night, and it wasn’t as if he had no friends, but as Dan slowly picked up his phone from where he’d left it discarded earlier that day, he couldn’t help wondering who in the world it could be.

His phone dinged again before he could even turn on the screen, and then again.

_Cat Valdes: so glad ur coming on friday_

_Cat Valdes: here’s the address! xxx xxxxxxx xxxxxxxx_

_Cat Valdes: i can’t wait to see u ;)_

Facebook, then. Dan could feel the corners of his lips tugging down in a frown at the name presented to him. It wasn’t that he’d been hoping for anyone in particular, but somehow, it left a sour taste in his mouth that it would be Cat who’d interrupted his melancholy silence.

Dan would have much preferred a message from Peej, even Wirrow, if it meant someone was going to rescue him from his own mind.

Then again.. Wasn’t this just an answer to Dan’s prayers? Someone taking the choice out of his hands, picking for him what he should do, who he should be with? Wasn’t this what he’d asked the universe for only seconds before?

His fingers hesitated on his phone’s keyboard as he tried to consider what to do. He didn’t even want to go to this party, had only said because of his friends. Should he cancel now, would that be okay? He didn’t know, but he _wanted_ too, and shouldn’t that have been enough to tell him he was doing the wrong thing here?

What was the point of listening to the universe when the universe had it all wrong.

His fingers moved practically of their own accord, until Dan was typing out a short message in reply.

_Dan Howell: me too_

Dan dropped his phone onto his chest, face down so he wouldn’t have to face the message he’d just sent. This was all just too much for him.

A sign from the universe? Was he absolutely crazy? Had he gone nutters? The universe didn’t send signs, it was far too busy fucking you over to tell you what you should do with your life. Dan was an idiot for believing even a second...

And yet, wouldn’t that be the ultimate relief, to just go with the flow, take Cat up on her offer to him, become her boyfriend the same he’d done with Sara back in secondary school? Surely, if he’d done it once, he could do it again, and if his mind was too busy trying to figure out how to be with Cat, he wouldn’t have time to think about Phil anymore.

Dan’s phone went off again, a rumble against his chest, and then again and again and again. He squeezed his eyes shut in irritation. He didn’t want to talk to Cat right now, he didn’t want to talk to _anyone_ , couldn’t she just leave him alone?

_Cat Valdes: r u single?_

_Cat Valdes: hahaha sorry sabrina sent u that_

_Cat Valdes: shes a bit noisy_

_Cat Valdes: alrite jk it was me. so r u? ;)_

The question left a bitter taste in Dan’s mouth. He could feel something like nausea rising in him at the implied question here, at the implication of what Cat wanted from him.

More than just lust then, there had to be. The girl wanted more from Dan than Dan could probably ever give her, and yet… yet...

_Dan Howell is typing…_

_Dan Howell is typing…_

_Dan Howell is typing…_

_Dan Howell: yea_

It was a simple reply. It invited no further question, no flirting, no nothing, and as Dan put his phone back down on the bed next time, he could feel tears beginning to burn behind his eyes again.

Why did he have to be like this? Any normal teenage boy would have been jumping on the opportunity to be with Cat Valdes. She was hot, and clearly desperate to hook up with Dan. So what was wrong with him? Why hadn’t he just flirted back?

Frustrated with the world, but mostly with himself, Dan shoved himself back up from his bed, and grabbed his laptop. If he couldn’t deal with his emotions right now, then he could just drown it all out with some music.

Fishing his headphones from his pocket, Dan plugged them into the audio jack on the side of his computer, and pulled up Muse. There was something about the melancholy tones of Matt Bellamy's voice that always soothed something deep inside of Dan that he very much so needed just then. Anything to get away from his torturous thoughts.

On top of that, wearing headphones meant Dan couldn’t hear it if his phone went off again, if Cat decided to answer and ask Dan more questions, like what he was planning on wearing Friday night, if he was going to make do on his promise, if he’d be interested in more than just hooking up with her…

Dan didn’t have the answers to any of that. He was leading the girl on, and he knew it, but he couldn’t seem to make himself stop.

Cat was just… she was just safe, far safer than thoughts of Phil Lester were, at least.

Phil Lester, who was nothing more than enigma to Dan. He knew next to nothing about the student one year above him.

In fact, all he really knew about him was that he’d transferred over at the beginning of the year, that he smoked cigarettes, and that he had really, really great taste in movies and music, if his t-shirt collection was anything to go by.

It didn’t help that he was hot to boot, someone quickly growing like a fungus on Dan’s mind. He wanted to stop thinking about the little half smirk Phil tended to offer him, or the time in the bathroom where Phil had taken every last hand towel from the dispenser like there was no one else in the room with him.

He wanted to stop thinking about the way Phil had felt leaning against him, teasing and joking with him outside that night, how it had felt to hold his hand that first night at the party, even after Dan had thrown up all over him.

Those blue eyes haunted Dan every moment of every day, and he hated them.

His fingers clenched into fists on his thigh as he used his left hand to scroll down reddit thread after reddit thread, not really reading the words presented on the screen to him while Starlight played through his headphones.

Who was Phil Lester, anyway?

Before Dan could stop himself, he was clicking to open a new tab and typing in facebook, ignoring the little red notification number at the top when the page loaded and instead leading his cursor straight to the search button. His fingers were deft on his keyboard as he typed in the other teenagers name, and waited for the results to come up.

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Or, well three profiles came up, but their profile pictures were so far off of who Dan knew Phil to be that he didn’t even have to click on them to know that he would find nothing of Phil Lester here. One of them was a production managers account, the other held a picture of a naked girl, and the third listed someone far too young to be the guy Dan went to school with.

So, who the fuck was Phil Lester?

Dan’s brow furrowed as he closed out of facebook, and opened up instagram instead, and then twitter, and then even his outdated myspace, making a quick search for phil lester on all three sites as well, only to come up just as empty as facebook had.

Dan didn’t understand. Did the guy just not exist on social media? How was that in the least bit possible in this day and age?

A teenager shouldn’t be this difficult to find. Surely, Phil had to have some kind of account _somewhere_. Did he just not use his real name, or something? Perhaps he was a lonely kind of guy who didn’t want to be found, Dan didn’t know, but he was kind of annoyed.

He just wanted to low key stalk the guy without drawing any attention to himself, and it wasn’t as if anyone else he knew, knew much about Phil either. There was no one to ask questions of, and no social media accounts for Dan to explore.

Which left him… nowhere.

In one final, last ditch effort to find _anything_ on the seemingly elusive Phil Lester, Dan typed the name into google, and waited for the results to come in.

What he was not expecting to find was a youtube account, creatively named AmazingPhil, and hosting over 36 videos already, the oldest dating back to 2013, four years ago. As Dan nervously clicked on the channel name, unsure if it really _was_ Phil despite the name displayed just under the channel name, he found himself left staring at a bright banner starring none other than Phil Lester himself and -- some… guy?

Dan’s brow furrowed. The guy at Phil’s side had dark brown hair, kind of like Dan’s, and a look so emo he seemed to have come straight out of 2006. He had one arm wrapped around Phil’s shoulder, and had dragged the other boy into his side so closely that their noses nearly brushed from the way they were turned to look at each other.

Dan had never seen a grin quite like that on Phil’s face before, let alone such a sparkle in his eye, with the way he looked at this boy.

If Dan didn’t know any better, he would have said they were dating, but --

But Dan _didn’t_ know any better, and that was the problem. He could feel jealousy broiling away in his belly already, a sick feeling making him hot all over. His fingernails dug into his right thigh as he continued to scroll down the youtube page, looking for _something_ that would tell him who this guy was.

_Behind the Scenes of AmazingPhil_

_April 23, 2016_

Dan didn’t give himself a chance to second guess himself before he was clicking on the video title, the last one posted in 2016 whose thumbnail actually included the boy from Phil’s banner. He needed to know more about these two, find out what was going on, if they were together, a couple, had ever been one…

He needed to know, before he got any more invested than he already was in Phil.

 _“Oi, Phil buddy!”_ a voice off camera was saying, nearly black before it came up to focus in on Phil Lester’s face, somehow younger than Dan knew it now, and yet exactly the same. Those beautiful blue eyes, the little half smirk, they taunted Dan, as if Phil could see straight through the video and knew that Dan was watching. _“Whatcha up to mate? Got another big production planned for the kose?”_

Phil’s laugh was exuberant, and Dan didn’t think he’d ever seen Phil smile like that since he’d known him; far brighter and happier than he’d ever once been in Dan’s presence as of now. That horrible, nasty feeling of envy curled up in Dan’s belly like it was here to stay as the person behind the camera continued to shift forward, panning out over the work Phil appeared to be doing in his locker.

 _“Always,”_ Phil replied with a delicate little shrug, as if he was embarrassed, when it was beyond clear that he was not. _“Sort of. This time, I was thinking of staging a little production for youtube. See, look here, I built a miniature set…”_ he started to explain as the camera zoomed in on Phil’s work, the little toy set that was far more meticulously built than anything Dan might have been expecting.

He got lost in the video then, got lost in Phil’s explanations, his enthusiasm for his art, the films he wanted to create. He was a master at weaving together a story, that much was certain, what with the way his voice washed over Dan as he spoke.

The set almost felt like nothing more than an unnecessary addition, something to transport Dan to this world Phil wanted to create about a little boy who was lost and alone, and yet, even without the little set, Dan could imagine everything.

Locked up in the poorest house in the neighborhood, the little boy was completely alone. An orphan, nearly, though his father came and went from time to time, dropping off food while the boy was at school, and leaving money behind for the little boy to take care of himself.

There was never so much as a note left behind to tell the boy who had been there, and yet, he convinced himself that it was his father because he couldn’t live with the knowledge that his only family left might be gone now too.

Just the premise of it was enough to make Dan want to cry, and for a moment, he even forgot about the other boy in the video. He didn’t care that they’d been far too close to Phil in the header, or that he’d featured in the thumbnail, because all Dan had eyes for anymore was Phil, and all he had ears for anymore was Phil, and all he wanted was to get lost in this boys videos and learn everything about him that he could.

So he did.

Dan didn’t pay a lick of attention to the boy from the header when he came onto screen near the end of the first video Dan had clicked, merely focusing all of his attention on Phil and what he had to say, ignoring the way his stomach opened up like a pit to see Phil so close to anyone. Suddenly, understanding these two’s relationship seemed unimportant as Dan tried to better understand _Phil_.

As the video finished up, Dan clicked back to Phil’s youtube profile, and scrolled down to the bottom of hi video list, clicking on the very first video Phil had ever posted, all the way back in 2013, with the full intent of working his way forward to what Phil created _now_.

Boy, was it a roller coaster.

Dan didn’t know quite how he was meant to feel about any of this, but with each passing video, he found himself grinning like he’d not grinned in a long time. His mouth hurt from holding the expression, his ab’s ached from all the times that he laughed, and he didn’t know what was better; the videos were Phil talked about his life, his skits, or the animation style clips he created with tiny sets and figurines guided by his hands.

Dan hadn’t thought it possible to be attracted to a pair of hands, and yet there he was, absorbed completely by these worlds that Phil had created and wanting nothing more than to feel those hands against his own body, creating stories and projections of a world Dan would never quite understand pressed into his skin instead.

He shivered at the very thought of being touched by another boy, felt something shift in his belly, in his groin, and did his best to ignore it for now.

Phil rarely talked about his own life, and even when he did, it was never anything personal; it was always about the adventure he’d had out with his friends the other night when they’d gotten locked in the supermarket, or the time his best friend had kissed a girl with his braces on and Phil had had to call his mum to get them both a ride to the hospital when their braces got stuck to each other.

There was next to nothing about Phil personally, though, not really; no talk of his relationships, or his sexuality, or anything he did in his daily life outside of the obvious -- making videos.

The most fascinating bits of Phil, however, were the little clips he made telling stories all their own, about monsters who lived under the bed but who were really your friends, and the little boy with no family who lived in a poor old house at the end of the lane who had no friends…

Dan thought those said the most about Phil, and yet, he could never quite figure out what to take away from them.

He wanted to know so badly, wanted to know everything about Phil Lester, and yet, nothing particularly telling came to mind. There was nothing, because Phil didn’t seem to be the lonely kid with no friends, or the weirdo who was an outcast, or even a crime fighting child with a monster at his side.

He just seemed like a normal kid with beautiful blue eyes and a knack for telling stories like no other.

 _“I want to be like Baz Lurhman one day,_ ” Phil was saying in a more recent video. His eyes were dark rimmed, and he looked a fair bit sadder than he had in earlier videos, but his grin was as bright as ever. Dan didn’t know what had happened, but the boy from Phil’s header was gone.

_“I want to make a movie as beautiful as Romeo and Juliet, or Moulin Rouge. I want to create… a masterpiece that will leave you thinking for days after it’s done.”_

“You will,” Dan whispered to himself. “I know you will. One day.”

It was way past midnight by the time Dan went to bed, but he couldn’t bring himself to regret it. He’d seen every single one of Phil’s videos at least three times, and somehow, in the strangest of ways, he felt closer to him.

Dan’s phone beeped from beside him.

_Cat Valdes: thiking of u_

He pressed the power button on his screen, and went to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> hopefully you guys enjoyed this enough to want more! I have a pretty much fully fledged outline for how I'm going to do this, including some of my changes already though out, so let me know what you think!


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